Should I cut my father out of my life?
When I was 15 my father left our family to run off with his mistress. At the time I had no idea about the affair so he could have been sneaking around for years. When my brother found out he had been cheating on my mother he immediately cut ties him. They haven't spoken since. My father doesn't seem at all bothered by this, he's never tried to reach out to his son at all but remains convinced they will patch things up. He is currently engaged to his mistress and lives with her and her three kids. I am not proud of it, but I remained in contact with my father. When I would go visit him he ignored me completely. He would drink beer and play games on the computer until it was time for me to go home. Drinking is guaranteed when visiting my father. I would get calls from my friends saying laughing about how drunk my dad was last night. He was even arrested recently for drunk driving and reckless endangerment. Of course he claims he wasn't drunk and the officer made a mistake. When I turned 18 the child support money was cut in half. The man stopped paying money for the welfare of the only child he has left that speaks to him. Then bought his mistress a puppy for her birthday. A puppy. Do you have any idea how much it costs to take care of a dog and I only got the minimum amount for as long as it was legally required of him. I don't get health insurance but his sally on the side gets a dog. I have had it. I can't take any more of his lies. I have taken small inconsequential steps like unfriending him from facebook but still answer the phone when he calls. I feel an obligation to continue contact with my father. I hound him about paying child support on time, I call him about important events and information, I ask the questions. For my mother's sake I feel I should swallow my true feelings and continue a relationship but for my own sake I want to cut him out of my life. My father never hit me or hurt me in any way other than emotionally. Am I being too sensitive? Should I suck it up and deal with my issues? Or should I follow my brothers lead and cut him out?
Should I cut my father out my life and stop loving him?
You are 17 and that's when you should start working on being yourself. And I mean it when i use the term 'being yourself'. Parents are not a choice you make and they behave in ways that are often dictated by who their parents were and what circumstances they've experienced in life. You can choose to spend the rest of your life angry, mad, frustrated, anxious ...etc about what they've made you go through. Remember one thing - You can never stop loving someone, you can only choose to protect yourself from incursions caused by the other person's lack of respect for your boundaries. Parents aren't gods and they aren't infallible. And at 17, you are ready to go through the process of learning how to choose in life. From your note, you seem to be someone who is reasonably self-aware and conscientious about the impact you'll have of your father. So the best thing for you to do, is to choose a path that reduces friction and increases compassion. You can try and build a life of your own by moving away and being independent. At 17, that will be a very rough journey but you can definitely do it slowly and steadily. If you can, pick a school or college that's far away. Or else, immerse yourself in the company of people who are more than just a bundle of emotions. Immerse yourself in the company of people who want to do something with their life. Don't cut off your parents - Not in ways that involve anything but avoidance of physical violence. With a little compassion and rational distance, you'll be able to get over the need to have an opinion about your parents. Everyone is bound by the stories they tell themselves and if you let yourself get into the feeling of a victim who escaped parents by cutting them off, you'll lose the opportunity to become a better person at the end of this. Your parents don't need labels from you and you don't need to label them. Welcome to being an adult!
Should I cut my narcissistic father out of my life?
Basically, yes. However, if you cannot, the next best thing is extremely limited interaction—keep your responses neutral if you must interact. Stoic even. Interaction with a narcissist is basically a state in which you are allowing constant manipulation of yourself by the narcissist. Not fun as you know….because it always leads you ultimately back to being devalued….and another reminder that you have no real intrinsic worth to them..you are there to be used, only. If you must endure the narcissist, always sidestep their manipulation by being stoic and never feel sorry for the narcissist because you choose to be stoic. You must be. The problem is, if you’re dad is a narcissist, you’ve also been reared to please a narcissist. Recognize the qualities, actions, emotional tendencies in yourself that are geared to fire off in the presence of a narcissist—(by usually being a pleaser). In essence, a Pleaser’s tendency to want to please the narcissist is in itself a form of narcissism and a common situation children of narcissists find themselves in and a reason they go on always meeting narcissists in their lives. It’s conditioning. If you can put yourself under strict self awareness, you can learn to not react to your own internal triggers, the pleaser in you, and thus effectively side step a lot of what a narcissist dishes out. That being said, we all want to believe, trust, take at face value someone we are interacting with—the messy thing about narcissists is that you can never trust them. Not even when they say hello to you. It’s not about you, ever. It’s always about them. But hyper self awareness can help you put the narcissist in perspective, but requires in the words of Mad Eye Moody(Harry Potter )….CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!!( of equally the narcissist and of how you respond to narcissism). Can be done though.
How has your life been since cutting a parent out of your life completely?
My father had a lot of anger and control issues. When I left home at 15, I ceased all contact with him, even though he lived with my mother - who I did keep in contact with. Of course I’d see him when I was home on vacation, but I avoided it as much as I could. Things were better with us because he no longer had much control over my life.When I entered my 20’s, I realized I didn’t want to have any regrets when he died. As a result, in my late 20’s I started to do the “social contact”. I’d send a birthday card or call on Christmas. I knew he wasn’t the type of person to ever admit his shortcomings or do anything about it, but I wanted a a clear conscious for myself.When I had a child, he did come back East to visit us for a week. Midway through the visit he started his critical comments and other self-centered behavior. I very firmly put him in his place. It turned out to be a great moment for me. I was able to realize he absolutely had no control over who I was anymore and I could move on from any disappointments or hurts I’d been carrying about him. I realized I wasn’t a victim to his anger, judgment, etc anymore.When he entered a hospice and was dying, I went to visit him for several days and made sure he had what he needed before he passed away.The way someone chooses to deal with an emotionally unhealthy parent is up to them. This particular way worked for me. I knew I had to live with myself and made sure I did what worked for me in all ways.
Parents threatening to cut me off if i get a tattoo. advice?
i would go with what my parents told me to do but that is me. the 3rd on sounded the best•
Should I cut my dad out of my life? He cheated on my mom; they divorced but he still pretends to be apart of the family. He's living his life through our eyes and how we view him and our relationship is one sided with him begging for approval.
Oh my goodness. As a parent I have said many many many times to my children. “I do not like your behaviour but I will always love you.” Are you able to separate your Dad’s behaviour from the person he is. He is still your Dad no matter what happens. Nothing can change that.As far as his relationship with your Mother, it is not for you to judge. Only the two people in the relationship really know what has happened and I can tell you even then you will get two different stories.Eventually you will be happy you have your Dad in your life. Don’t cut yourself out for reasons that are far beyond your control. You had nothing to do with any of his past or even future behaviours. What you can be responsible for is your relationship with him. You can set the rules and boundaries of what you would like that to look like. Try not to get ridiculous though. He is worth having in your life. Even if you may find him to be imperfect, he is worth having in your life.P.S. no one has a perfect father. Lots of near perfects. Lots of distorted visions. But trust me. you want him in your life.
Cutting my parents out of my life?
Yes its the right thing to do, reagrdless of why they did what they did they had no right to hurt you as they did and the treatment you received is totally unacceptable. My advice is to cut them off completely, do not beat yourself up for loving them because thats part of being in this situation and perfectly natural, even people whohave been snatched and held as prisioners for years tend to develop these feelings. What you need to do is move so you're safe and they can no longer find you, start fresh and keep going forward. They wil not change and you cant change them you can only change yourself. Remember what it feel like right now and remember to make sure any children you have never feel as you do that in itself is victory over your parents and their abusive ways. If you feel the need for counselling seek help thats the only thing I wished Id done sooner however later is better than never, I have 4 well adjusted adult children whom my family never saw after the first few years when I realised that they would continue to treat me this way and take over my family, my husband and I moved far, far away and have never looked back. My friends are the family I chose for myself.
Advice please-parents threatening to cut me off if i get a tattoo?
I am 20 years old, and I have wanted a tattoo on my leg for a year. I have been talking about it and my parents know how much i want it. I already have a few tattoos that they are okay with, and i have piercings, which they are less crazy about. they suggested that i not get it during thanksgiving and instead wait until summer when I could get it at a better tattoo place. now, they are threatening to cut me off financially if i get the tattoo. I am on an athletic and academic scholarship so I have little time for a job during season. They are also saying that it would hinder my likelihood to get a job, but there are a few problems with that. 1. i have tattoos on both forearms which are much more visible. 2. i am going into a creative field. 3. i don't wear skirts. i wear pants only. also i've already contacted the artist and have an consult with him. i have 3 options: 1. don't get the tattoo 2. tell them i am getting it and let them cut me off 3. tell them to cut me off so that i can prove myself, wait a year and then get it please help me! ps: i am paying for school with my scholarship. i will be able to hold down a part time job AND keep my grades up so it is not a matter of losing my scholarship.
Should I cut my brother out of my life completely?
wow.I really sympathize with your story... this is a really awful thing to go through..and It is one of the most hurtful feelings to feel as if a family member is betraying you. In this case he IS betraying all of you. It's awful and there is NO excuse for the way is treating your family..especially your dad... I understand that he may have problems with your father for whatever reason, but to laugh at his health problems? That's sick, and extremely bitter. As for the advice portion of this...it's a really hard thing.. Nobody wants to say that you should cut out a family member...but sometimes..if it is causing utmost hurt to you all... what other choice do you have? He's obviously made HIS choice to be a dink. Do you know where his lies and bitterness come from? Not that anything is a good excuse for this behaviour...but My only advice would be, once you have calmed.. talk to him.. find out WHERE this awful behavior may have stemmed from. You may want to cut him out of your life, and nobody can blame you for that... but TALK to him first...find out WHY he is acting like this... Give him a chance to explain why he is the way he is, not so that he can be excused, but at least heard. It sounds like he is harbouring alot of bitterness for god knows what reason, give him a chance to be heard, if he continues. By all means, cut him out. He had his chance