My dad verbally/emotionally abuses my mom. What should I do?
You can strive to grow into a strong, competent, successful adult, who would never give nor accept abuse. That would be a massive achievement, and that must be your main mission.I am going to say something that will hurt - making kids responsible for protecting adults is a form of child abuse. Your mother is an adult, and if you live in a Western country, and not in one of those communities where wife-beating is tolerated out of cultural sensitivities, she has the power of the state behind her, and support of multiple charities dedicated to helping battered women. It is her responsibility, not yours, to end that abuse. She owes that to you, not the other way around.You can tell your mom that you don’t like her been abused, and that that hurts and injuries you to see that happening. You can offer your help.You can tell your dad that you hate to see what is going on, and would love more consideration for your feelings.If you believe your mother is not capable of acting in her own interests due to mental illness or either illness or injury that significantly decreased her mental capability, and if you believe been in a mental institution is better for her than been at home, if you need to report your dad for abuse.Or you can choose to get out of there at the earliest available opportunity.P.S. On a number of occasions I had very stern conversations with my then wife, which she claimed were emotional abuse. They were all started when I was stopping her from either yelling at our daughter, or spanking her. She also had this habit of trying to hit me, then yell to our daughter that I am beating her, and it is her (daughter’s) fault - I of course would never hit a woman, however my blocks are hard and can leave bruises of forearms - sorry, I have no idea how to block softly, I trained with men of my size.My case can be an exception, but I am a bit sceptical when I read about someone’s father verbally abusing their mother and they feel responsible. It is your mother’s responsibility to either leave your father, or to explain to you why she chose not to, without blaming you.
My dad is emotionally abusing my mom and refuses to go to counseling, what can I do?
Original Question: “My dad is emotionally abusing my mom and refuses to go to counseling, what can I do?”Although it’s hard to accept, you only have control over your reaction to this situation. You are not responsible for your mother or sister, no matter how much it feels that way.Sadly, there is very little you can do for your mum and nothing at all for your father. He’s abusive - and is very unlikely to accept counselling. Your mother is in victim role, and she doesn’t seem likely to break out of that anytime soon. If she were willing to seek help and go for counselling, then it might be possible for her to change which would alter the situation. However, she’s got to find the willingness in herself to change and then to overcome the practical barriers. That’s tough, but it is possible. It starts with a decision to seek a way out, and your mother does’t appear ready to do this.The next bit is going to be hard for you, but I’d really encourage you to think about it. There’s something called a “rescuer” and it’s possible that you’ve unwittingly fallen into that co-dependent role. The impact of this is that you could, without meaning to, be playing a part in sustaining the toxic family dynamicsAll three roles play a part in locking the abusive situation in place: victim, abuser and rescuer. It took me a while to grasp this, but when I did, it made a huge amount of sense in relation to my own upbringing. I’ve attached a link for you to look at and consider, but you can find a lot about on line if it feels useful and worth exploring.You must look after yourself. This is the route to freedom - and if you can find a different way for yourself it might give courage to others to break free. If you are still in education, speak to your school or college counsellor or guidance staff. Contact your local women’s shelter, speak to your family doctor, don’t give up. Seek help for yourself, because you too are caught up in the damage causes by living with domestic abuse.The Three Faces of Victim – An Overview of the Drama Triangle
How would you deal with a verbally/emotionally abusive relative whom you live with? My divorced mother and siblings moved into his house since my dad never paid her child support and my uncle has been abusive since my grandparents moved out of state.
Your uncle’s resentment at having to share the family home with his sister and her children is inappropriate and selfish.Obviously, your mother would have preferred to live elsewhere, but her financial situation due to your father’s deadbeat dad status precludes that.Is there any legal way your mother can use to pursue your father to force him live up to his responsibilities?As for your uncle, someone has to stand up to him and his childish behavior. Call him out on it. Let him know he is acting like a petulant teenager and it is time to get over himself. Call your grandparents and let them know about their son’s behavior. They might do the calling-out for you.Good luck.
Should i go to my deadbeat dad's funeral?
Sometimes we do things in this world that make no common sense. One of those things is going to the funeral of someone we don't like because we want to show we didn't like them. You don't always go to funerals for the sake of the dead person. We go to show respect and support for someone else we love and care for..maybe your mom or other relative (aunts, uncles, cousins). We do go to funerals without reservation or hesitation when we want to show we care for someone important. Your mother is important, yes? Just don't cause any trouble. You don't have to say anything.
What's your definition of a "deadbeat dad"?
You asked the right person because I have dealt with a deadbeat dad and keeping my personal feelings out of this I will tell you what a deadbeat dad and mom yes there are ones out there are: A parent who makes a child but is not there physical, emotionally, mentally and financially for the child. A parent who will not help support the child they help create whether the child was planned or not. A deadbeat parent is one who runs from their responsiblity and does not own up to be a parent. A deadbeat parent is the lowest of the low. If the mother has health insurance that will cover her prenatal care I dont see why the father should have to pay for that but if she has no health insuarnce and cant get any or goverment medicaid then teh father should help out with the prenatal care to ensure the child has all the care to be born healthy.
What are some examples and characteristics of emotionally abusive parents?
In my personal experience these are signs of an abusive parent. (In this case it was my father but I am sure these apply to mothers well.)Using the excuse "I am your parent, so I know what's best for you" to force children to do something that is only meant to make him feel in control, and not for their well-being.Pitting the children against each other instead of promoting good relationship between them.Acting like his son or daughter are total failures and he has nothing in common with them. My mother and father would have arguments like "She took this and this trait from you!"- "No, from you!" as if they wanted to point out how my awful persona was not their DNA's fault.Being affectionate, then being horrible again, then apologize and promise he was going to be a good dad -repeat again.No respect for boundaries. He would enter my room without knocking and would not mind if I was naked or not. If I was disgusted by him and didn't want his "goodnight kiss" he would just force it on me.There was never a real dialogue. Abusers only care for what they want and never about others so that is not possibile with them.Anything can be a trigger. It's not about not being a good daughter. Once I was slapped so hard I fell from my chair because I poured water with my left hand. In my dad's opinion that meant bad luck.Taking advantage of the situations when your children need help to drag them further in the mud or remind them of hurtful memories.Try to look like the perfect dad in everyone's eyes and punish his son/daughter if they refuse to act their part correctly.Trying to make his children look crazy or unreliable so that their complaints will stay unheard. At best he would try to make you look incompetent or ridicoulously naive as if you were a child.Making sexual remarks about his children's bodies and not stopping even when told it is inappropriate.These are the first things that came to my head but the list could be much longer. Hope this was helpful!
Why do my kids defend their deadbeat abusive father since we've divorced?
There are some good answers here. If the children are defending their deadbeat abusive father, something’s happening or someone is saying something that makes them feel they have to defend him. Are you the one saying bad things about him?Having grown up without a father, I can truthfully say my mother never once, not one time, said anything bad about him. In fact, she went out of her way to tell me I was his favorite (she probably told my brothers the same thing). He was also a deadbeat, never helped support his three children.When I found myself a single parent, I also kept any negative comments I might have had about my deadbeat ex to myself having learned at the feet of a master, my mother.When my daughter was about 19 she went to see her father (she’d only seen him twice in all that time, through no fault of mine) at his family reunion. Upon her return I was regaled with all the terrible things I’d done, how I’d kept her from him and the grandparents and who knows what else, I’ve tried to put it all out of my mind. When I protested that it just wasn’t true, she said (and I swear, these were her exact words), “Yes it is. I believe them and not you.”So I dropped it, deciding she’d just have to figure things out for herself. And, eventually she did.Keeping one’s mouth shut at the proper times is one of the most important (and hardest) things that a parent can do. It takes constant vigilance. If you weren’t up to the job, you wouldn’t be asking this question and you wouldn’t have the job. Best wishes.
What is the psychological impact/effect of a deadbeat mother on a child?
It varies. The biggest problem will likely be attachment issues. Attachment is when the child learns to form relationships through the relationship with the parent. Insecure attachment is normally classified as either anxious, avoidant or disorganised (depending on which model is cited) and is caused by unreliable attachment with the parent.You can see my explanation of attachment styles here:Sarah Lee's answer to What should I read to learn about Bowlby theories on attachment and separation anxiety?You don’t say whether you are male or female, but for a female child the mother is also a template for being a woman. The child’s basis of forming relationships will be based on their interactions with their mother. So any emotional abuse may be replicated within other relationships as the behaviour has been normalised.The relationship between your mother and father is also likely to be used as a template for romantic relationships. It does not really matter whether you are heterosexual or homosexual, you will have learned how a relationship works by their behaviour. Any negative behaviour can cause issues in subsequent relationships.Additionally if you are a male child and heterosexual you are likely to use your mother as a template for romantic relationships, so you may find yourself getting into abusive relationships or attempting relationships with women who need ‘rescuing’.If you recognise that you are experiencing unwanted issues either through your own behaviour or that in your relationships with others, I would recommend you seek a therapist who is familiar with attachment theory who can help you unpick and understand yourself better.