Will you rate my story excerpt?
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/ShannonH87/1755410/ This is an excerpt from a much larger piece so it might seem like you've been droppped into the middle of a story. Any feedback is appreciated. Not overly concerned with grammatical errors at this stage but would be interested to see if the story or characters grabbed your attention in any way or made you curious about what happens next.
Does this short excerpt of mine need more work?
I think it's a good start! I actually liked that he smirked because it indicates that he’s a bit full of himself, which adds depth to your character. However, I think I would need more of the story to know if it is working or not. This is an interesting line by one character, but how does Juliet respond? What circumstances led them to this conversation? What will be the outcome of their conversation? (Perhaps you are going to write a quite different take on the classic Romeo and Juliet.)As far as this line goes, though, I don't think you need to say “self-satisfaction” after he smirks. The smirk can indicate many things (sarcasm, self-satisfaction, etc), and shows the reader what your character is doing, rather than telling them. It's always better to use your characters’ actions and speech to build them, rather than using too much explanation. Showing even leaves room for the reader to guess about the character, to form their own opinions and questions. If Romeo smirks, I might read it as sarcasm, but as the story grows, I will realize he meant it. That gradual understanding of characters is wonderful when you are reading a story, so keep that in mind. You don't need a lot of description, particularly a lot of description right up front. Let your readers get to know the characters on their own terms. When you meet a person in real life, you don't know everything about them that instant. Instead, you spend more time with them and slowly learn more about them. Your readers don't need to know everything about your characters the moment they meet. Their relationships with the characters can grow over time.Your line could be (and it doesn't have to be; my critiques are not perfect and might not fit with your voice): “You know, I would draw you Jules, but I won't because you're already a work of art.” Romeo smirked, as he gave himself an imaginary clap on the back.(These are just suggestions, so you can ignore them if you don't like them or if you feel they aren't right for your story/voice. But I hope this helps, all the same.)
How is this for a story excerpt?
This is really good. If it were a published story I would definitely buy it. I didn't notice any errors but that's just me.
What is a Novel Excerpt, simply put?
I'm entering the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWirMo) and in the novel info tab it asks for a novel excerpt. And I honestly have no idea what that means. Anyone mind explaining?
How could this excerpt improve and be more realistic?
Not knowing the context and authorial intent, it's hard to know how to improve it appropriately. Are they playing paintball, or in a life and death struggle with aliens? As others have noted, there are a few simple things you could do to flesh things out and add some colour: Add names. Add description of what the reader would see or hear. Minimize use of adverbs. Make military speak accurate, require reader to think - so they engage - and add seeds of conflict and some existing relationship(s) we might want to know more about. Here is a rewrite for your consideration. Use the info the other great answers have shared. "Falcon four-five, this is Eagle three, do you copy? Over." Simms paused, searching the ruins in the distance. The overheating walkie battery was warming his bandaged hand. He repeated his plea. This time, the radio crackled back. "Eagle three, Falcon four-five. Report." Simms' eyes went cold. Why was Marsh on radio? Had Porter been injured? Or worse? He crushed the thought in his mind even as he saw it reflected in the faces of his team, each looking to him for hope. Simms fired back, knowing one second too many might give their position away. "Falcon four-five, eagle three at city perimeter, quadrant alpha, medic plus four, one injured. No enemy contact. What's your twenty, over." "Eagle three, Falcon four-five...," The radio sputtered. Seconds turned to minutes. Then at last, the faraway, crackling voice of Marsh returned, "...hotel, checkpoint victor. Victor. Now thirteen-oh-five. Rendezvous victor thirteen-twenty. Confirm victor thirteen-twenty, over." Simms winced. No chance. Damn Porter. Why had he given him command? "Falcon four-five, Eagle three. Estimate victor thirteen-thirty. No sooner. On our way, over." "Eagle three, situation desperate. Do not delay. Stay minimum one hundred meters from..." The radio fizzled and poured static. "...Repeat, do not come within one hundred me..."Silence. Silence. Silence.The sun blazed overhead. Not a bird in the sky. They breathed dust as they tapped fists, then scrambled up and over the wall that had protected them.
How would you rephrase this excerpt?
I think a good approach would be to use something fitting of the setting at this point in the story. Obviously this is war, but is it a future war or past war. Use the wording that would fit the time.Past: "Patch me over to..., "Can you get John reed on the line"Future: "Beam me over to John Reed" "Connect me to..." And where is it taking place. If it is a real place, figure out what sort of colloquialism would have been used. Or make up your own if this is a fictional setting.One other thing I hear in this short exchange is it is the Commander (the top brass) speaking to to someone in the field, (a lower ranking person). I don't think a Commander would ask politely to talk to someone. It might sound better as an order. "Get me John Reed on the line"Unless the rest of the situation doesn't fit it.Other wise I agree with the other suggestions here.
Would you read this story? I'm 13... ?
Wow, that's really amazing for a thirteen year old! Keep writing it. And remember, reading and writing go together, read lots to write well. That was great. It normally gets pretty tedious reading thirteen year old's stories, but I enjoyed reading yours. Well done!! (I'm thirteen too btw) Answer mine? http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/ind...