How can I control my anger?
There once lived a boy who had a bad temper. He would get angry at every little thing. One day, his father gave him a bag of nails and told him, "Every time you get angry, hammer a nail into that front wall."And so the activity started. On the first day, the boy hammered 50 nails. The next day, he hammered 40. Each time he used to go there, he repented being angry - it was quite a challenge to hammer a nail into that damn brick wall! Slowly, he discovered that controlling anger was easier than hammering, and the number of nails hammered started going down.Eventually, a day came when he didn't get angry, and he felt the joy of it. Now his father gave him another task, "If you do not get angry the entire day, remove one nail from the wall." After several days, all the nails were removed.Now his father took him near the wall and asked him what did he see. The boy replied that he can see holes in the wall. The father then explained to his son: "These holes are like the scars that you leave on people when you get angry. No matter how many times you say sorry, the scar does not go."So I suggest you two things:Realize that words once spoken cannot come back. Your anger hurts others and leaves a sour impression that lasts forever.Each time you get angry, "hammer a nail". Simplest thing you can do is to carry a pocket diary and put a line each time you get angry. Then at night, count the number of lines for that day. If you make this a habit, each time you would get angry, you would be reminded to note it down. Indirectly, you would also realize that you getting angry. And because you are conscious and aware at that time, you would find it easier to control your actions and subdue anger.I hope the day comes soon when you don't have any line in your diary.
How to get away from my controlling boyfriend?
My boyfriend of three years is jealous, controlling, and possesive. I am to the point I can't stand it, and have tried to end it.(We live together). He will not take no for an answer....he cries, begs, and pleads, promising that he will change...I have already taken him back once because of this. How can I move out without him bothering me? He just wont accept that it is over,he gets extremely mad...and then he cries. I don't know what to do. i just want to move on. I have two children in the home also.When I try to end it, he calls me 100 times at work trying to plead with me. Help!!!
Is it okay/common if your boyfriend/husband throws or breaks things in anger in front of you with no intentions of physically hurting you?
As many have said, I also agree that that is a BIG no.I feel like much of this has already been well established, but hear me out —A person who throws or breaks things purposefully in front of you, particularly the latter, is threatening you. It’s not an uncommon threat display for YOUNG males to do when they feel like they aren’t having their way or when their sense of control/dominance is compromised. This is something teenagers and children do, just so we are clear. It is NOT something an adult should be doing. For an adult (over 20–25) to do these immature displays of strength and superiority (which is what it comes down to, anthropologically; he’s showing off how big and strong he is, showing you what could happen to you) demonstrates a compromised ego (as in the psyche) and failure to come to grips with his own emotions. Likely, he never learned how to properly deal with his feelings, be them of anger or otherwise.You can not change that.So many in this situation believe that if they continue on and set a “better example” of the way they want to be treated, that their partner will “learn” how to behave better.It doesn’t work.You can’t help the way he was raised or the reasons for his issues. But you also can not help him change.The only thing you can do in this situation is to get out of it. Leave him. Ignore his angry outbursts and whatever threat he might throw at you, and WALK AWAY. It might hurt, but the pain in your emotional heart will hurt a lot less than the pain of bruises and broken bones later on.
I can't control myself when I get angry, what can I do to help this?
I can't control myself when I get angry, what can I do to help this?Please don’t say count to ten, or think before you act because I react first and then regret it laterAnger is a complex emotion, and can cause numerous problems in our lives. However it is also necessary to protect us from physical and emotional injury, and it mobilizes our defenses very effectively.Learning to manage anger is a process, and can take time and effort. A healing therapy relationship may also be helpful or even necessary.There can be physical factors that generate or exacerbate anger, such as low glucose levels, hormonal imbalances, drugs, alcohol, pain or injury, etc. Those can be ruled out through medical exam, etc.Anger management is a process of education, self-awareness, identifying red flags, avoiding problematic situations when possible, and really doing a head-to-toes analysis of your life, experiences, relationships, patterns, beliefs, expectations, habits, etc.Anger as most of us know it, arises from our beliefs, perceptions, expectations, and also from persistent anxiety or other threatening or painful feelings, such as fear or shame. People do NOT like to feel anxious, and they will rid themselves of that feeling as quickly as possible. Thus if you are in a hurry much of the time, things or people that slow you down will become the target of frustration and anger, because when we are hurrying and delayed, we tend to become anxious and will attempt to use anger to remove obstacles, thereby reducing anxiety.Shame is often the driver of uncontrollable anger, and healing from a shaming upbringing is a long and difficult process. I have written about shame on Quora, and I can recommend John Bradhaw's book "Healing the shame that binds you".If you can't control yourself when angry, then you must avoid the situations in which you typically get angry. Anger can wreak havoc on relationships, careers, and lives. If you don't learn to control it, eventually it will be controlled for you in very unpleasant ways.I hope that is helpful. Cheers.
If someone with borderline personality disorder, once they have acted in rage, do they feel remorse/regret when calmed down or do they believe their actions were justified, if they have discarded you?
I am not a BPD expert. I can only speak in regard to my experience. From what I observed, my non-treating ex wBPD would feel tremendous guilt and regret post rage throughout the early stages of the relationship. The post rage guilt was accompanied by a corresponding self awareness concerning most issues. But these lucid moments came and went as quickly as the rage had come and gone. It seemed as if there were fifteen minute rage sessions followed by fifteen minute clarity/remorse periods. The lucid times were beautiful little “eyes of hurricanes” which were characterized by placid and serene genuine remorse and an overall self awareness.As time progressed the mini storms frequency dropped; however, macro storms developed as she became more at ease in the relationship. The lucid periods would last much longer post major rage. The only problem and what seemed so tragic was that the self awareness periods would invariably be completely erased as if they never occurred. She would be remorseful and/or realize how her self-defeating behavior was blocking her ability to be achieve what she wanted. Then invariably something would trigger emotional dysregulation which in turn would wipe away her transcendent lucid proclamations made earlier.It’s as if she was a prisoner of her own mind. Metaphorically, she would be standing next to the door which was locked and then notice a key on the floor. She would grab the key and as she would raise her hand preparing to place the key in the key hole in order to unlock the door, her hand would begin to shake and she would end up barely missing the key hole and drop the key, which would tumble back to the ground. Thereafter, she would pick up the key and attempt to place the key in key hole again only to drop the key once more. Tragically, she seemed unable to learn from prior experience how to get a better grip on the key or a develop a more effective way to guide the key into the key hole.I have a sense though that with the right approach or treatment, clarity could establish a foot hold whereby her lucidity of mind would not be hijacked by BPD. There was no discard event that I am aware of. Job relocation intervened in our life and I knew that object constancy issues would sweep her away which has apparently occurred.