Can anyone tell me dirty jokes ?
i have one , but not that good , whats the difference between a woman and a car , you have to open the car to ride it , but you have to ride the woman to open her . do you have any ... plz tell :)
What happens if you fart loudly in front of your drill instructors in boot camp?
The Drill Instructor’s say an infamous command heard throughout boot camp where they have you “TURN ON THE VACUUM!!” which meant that you take a deep breath of your own fart or whoever just did the deed in order to “get rid of the smell”.In fact, they don’t just say that when you fart, but when you’re in the most disgusting places ever known to man.During Second Phase of Recruit Training at Camp Pendleton, where we spent the first week on learning the fundamentals of marksmanship, my buddy and I were made to attempt to clean one of the lone restrooms by the range. It smelled like fecal death when we entered, having not been cleaned in ages, unlike the boot camp barracks that were expected to be cleaned on a daily basis.We did our best to not get our bare hands dirty as we gingerly picked up dirty toilet paper, swabbed the floor, scrubbed the toilets, and did our very best not to take a breath of the horrible smell. While we were cleaning, a group of recruits being IT’ed got chased into the restroom by a sadistic Drill Instructor. My buddy and I did our very best to work unnoticed as we witnessed a bunch of recruits fill the restroom up to capacity. The commands given by the Drill Instructor had us instantly feel sorry for them.“TURN ON THE VACUUUUM!!!!” the Drill Instructor shouted.“TURN ON THE VACUUM AYE AYE SIR!” the recruits responded.“DEEEEPPPP!!” the Drill Instructor commanded.The recruits collectively inhaled a deep breath.“DEEEEEP!!!”The recruits took another deep breath, one of them looked like he was on the verge of vomiting. Taking a quick look at his watch, the Drill Instructor had them holding that horrible smell in their nostrils.“TURN OFF THE VACUUM!!!” the Drill Instructor shouted after about a minute.The recruits exhaled and began to cough.“What’s the matter, never ate the a*****e of your girlfriend when you were getting down on her?” he sneered in his frog voice before having them run back to the sand pits for more physical training.Once they were far away, my buddy and I immediately ran out of the restroom for a coughing session. We had been bathing in the horrible smell for that entire time and didn’t have a chance to get fresh air.Unless you want to turn on your vacuum at boot camp, do your best not to fart.Want more honest answers like this one? Check out my profile where some of my best answers are featured. Be sure to also follow me on Instagram.
What is the most ridiculous thing you have heard a teacher say?
I had an English teacher who, for anonymity’s sake, we’ll call Mrs. Fartright.Mrs. Fartright walked down the aisles, handing out our final written exam. She slides my paper onto my desk. I sign my honor pledge (no cheating etc) and open to the first page and begin conjuring my best responses.After the last question, I page back through and review. I find several typos and sentences that need rewording. I get my eraser out and scrub out bad sentences and reword them. No big deal right? I am one of the last people done. I walk up the aisle and lay my paper on the stack of know-nothings, in-betweens, and superstars.Fast forward 2 weeks. Our teacher, I mean Mrs. Fartright, hands back our papers. I get mine. I have an 89%. Which isn’t bad? But a nuisance, B’s and C’s require explanations back at the home front.I begin paging through and see -1 deductions all over the pages with no explanation. I look for patterns, but only notice the deductions are located where all of my eraser marks are. Perhaps I had worded it correctly the first time?I walk up front and kindly say “Excuse me, Mrs. Fartright, I noticed I lost points on my paper, a lot of -1 deductions, but there is no explanation?”I hand her my paper.She smiles and says “Oh yes, those deductions were for the erase marks, you may have cheated so I took a point off for those”W-w-w-w-wait a minute.I turn my head sideways, “Excuse me?”She says “Was that not clear?”, clearly irritated that I am challenging her.“No. Not clear at all. Say it one more time please”She reiterates “I took points off because your eraser marks mean you may have been copying your peers’ paper”.Blood rushes to my head. But I find a happy place and diplomatically make a case to her that this is not fair a) because it was not disclosed initially that we would lose points for erase marks and b) that is ridiculous? to take points because I “may” have cheated.We go back and forth. At this point we are sort of making a scene. I may even look like a fool up there arguing with her. But I don’t care. And neither does she, and she will not give an inch.I finally state “I am taking this to the administration, if you’d like to accuse me of cheating, go right ahead. I will not accept these deductions, on principle.”The points were awarded back to me.I thanked the gods I didn’t have to see her again.Because Mrs. Fartright clearly didn’t Graderight.(100+ edit suggestions later - Graderight was intentional. It is a joke people. But I do appreciate it)
My girlfriend got us both bracelets that are the same and that it shows her love for me and I want to keep it on but my friends say its gay. What should I do?
My girlfriend got us both bracelets that are the same and that it shows her love for me and I want to keep it on but my friends say its gay. What should I do?You should punch your friends in the dick.Don't get me wrong. I agree with their overall sentiments, even if I don't agree with their means of expressing them. The word ‘soppy’ exists to describe such gestures, and I can't abide soppiness anymore. I used to be a big romantic, but if I met myself in the past I'd punch him in the dick too. He led to our ruin.But then, I'm a cynical wanker now. He wasn't.At the end of the day, it's none of your friends' business. Do you like soppy gestures? Or at least, that soppy gesture? If so, wear it with pride, dude! The woman you love has just made a gesture to show how much she loves you, and you should wear it with as much honour as you would a military campaign medal! You're living your own dream! I remember that feeling.It felt good.And if anybody ever takes the piss out of you for it, you should punch them in the dick. I think I mentioned that.Make sure it's hard (the punch, I mean) and make sure they know what it's for. Make sure they know that you're overjoyed that she's given it to you (the bracelet, I mean), and that you're going to continue wearing it regardless of what they think.Because it reminds you of her. And she's amazing. Right?And once she inevitably dicks you over, you’ll have something else to burn too. Hey — I told you I was a cynical wanker. You didn't think it was all going to be roses and unicorn farts, did you?Anyway. Punch them in the dick.