What becomes of the golden child of a narcissistic parent?
I think that golden children and scapegoats exist as a result of the narc's triangulation technique.There are three entities involved in triangulation with a narc parent and 1 child:1) The narc-prosecutor2) The victim-child3) The audienceIf the victim-child is submissive then the narc makes them a golden child and tells the audience that they are perfect parents and the golden child is perfect too because of them.If the victim-child rebels, then the narc makes them a scapegoat and tells the audience that they are poor people that the scapegoat is doing something to.The approach between golden child and scapegoat can change depending on how the victim-child responds to the narc-prosecutor.In cases of families with 2 children then there is multiple triangulation.The entities involved are:1) The narc-prosecutor2) The golden child victim3) The scapegoat child victim4) The audienceThe narc triangulates as before for each of the children to the audience, but also between the 2 children. They will tell the golden child that the scapegoat is a failure and to blame for, and tell the scapegoat that the golden child is perfect and successful to make them jealous. The 2 child victims will be at battle with each other and then the narc triangulates again to pretend they are saving both from each other.One could apply mathematical formulas to see that the more people are involved around the narc, triangulation instances increase exponentially.The golden child will inevitably either overvalue their abilities and become a narc themselves, or at some point crack down from pressure of being made to feel empty and perfect, unable to fail, and have real needs of their own.If there was a scapegoat in the family too, they will always struggle to get back with them, both because of the ideas planted to them from the narc as well as the battles that would have occurred between them.Hopefully if the golden child runs away and fixes the issues elsewhere they may heal and take hold of whatever they may have built themselves during the narc parent pressures.
What to do when an alcoholic falls off the wagon?
My 22-yr old brother is an alcoholic & has been for several years. Prior to recently, he had been sober for 10 months & was going to many AA meetings & activites a week. About two weeks ago, he took a few pain pills to "get high". After that incident he said that in AA they tell you that if you fall off the wagon, that you should get completely sloppy & drunk before restarting. To me, this just sounds idiotic. Especially since he didn't drink alcohol. About a week ago AA told my parents that they have to start relinquishing some control and allow him to have a couple of beers a week (he had severe problems with liquor). Again, that seemed stupid to me, but my parents allowed it & bought him the alcohol (he still lives at home with them & does not have a job). Last night, he had an entire bottle of Crown, broke out all the windows to my Dad's car, broke down the door, threw things at my mom & kicked my dad. My question, is that really what AA recommends? If not, what is best to do now?
I'm suicidal but I don't want my mother to get hurt.?
I'm thinking of killing myself perhaps soon, I really tried to hang on and hoped that something would get better, but it's been on for too long and only gotten worse day by day and I know there is nothing in the world for me and the pain is unbearable. I just want it to end, I am not weak but what is too much is too much. The problem is that my mother cares about me a lot, we are close and I don't want to hurt her. I'm afraid that my death will devastate her. What should I do?
I constantly consider suicide because of my alcoholic parent?
My father is an alcoholic but I hate to use the word "father" to describe him. He thinks I'm too stupid to notice that he's drunk even though I've become and expert on deciphering it by the way he acts after 16 years of life. "Life" wouldn't be the perfect word to describe my 16 years because I am constantly lied to and beaten because of his alcoholism. He's the definition of an alcoholic: He will drink 5 liters of wine daily and he thinks he can stop but he never even tries. My mother constantly works and I can never get her to talk to him when she gets home because she works the night shift at a hospital and I've never seen her when she's not exhausted. She used to enable him to drink and keep his alcohol indoors but a few years ago she cracked down on it and now he gets drunk outside at a shopping mall and then drives drunk on 5 liters of alcohol, on the highway, all the way home. When I try to confront him about it he'll yell and hit me and if I give him a brochure about AA he'll tear it up in front of my face. My brother just sits quietly by because he's too much of a coward to say anything. The only reason I don't call the police is the effect it would have on my mother who I feel is whithering away before my eyes from being over-worked. I'm waiting to leave for college and never come back and then move across the ocean so far away. I'm so afraid because I have no money and I'm mediocre at every school subject but I don't want to come back. My brother is leaving next year. Once and a while he'd stop the most violent our fights, I don't know what I'll do without him. I don't want to tell my friends because they're all good Christians with wonderful families and they couldn't relate but they've seen him, in the back of their minds they know and they would have said something if they knew what it was like. I feel like I'm going crazy because when I get angry I'll break things that are irreplaceable simply to get his attention to how hurt I am. This kills me inside because those are my family pictures I'm throwing in the fire and my brother's 3rd grade sculptures I'm smashing, not just his. That's so far from what I want to be and that's what makes me want to kill myself. Can anyone else relate? I feel so alone, sorry this is so long. I'm crying while I write this and just wanted to vent.
I do not want to invite my fiance's brother to the wedding because he's an alcoholic! Is that mean & rude?
No this is your wedding your and your fiance's wedding day and do not feel guilt. Just have your fiance tell him nicely and FIRMLY and give his family a heads up.
How do you know when it's time to walk away from your family and leave them to their own fate?
Your body will tell you when enough is enough. Listen to it. When you have tried everything humanly possible to help someone and they refuse, why would you keep hitting your head against the wall. The impact on your body will show up in dreams, stomach, bowels, twitching, nervousness this is just a few. You can’t force people to change.Personally I walked away May 1st from my Husband of 20 years. He needs help desperately. I tried everything possible to get him help. He thinks he’s fine it’s all the others with the problem. He needs AA, therapy, Marriage Counseling etc. He would not even considerit. For the last 6 years all my health problems were due to him and him alone. Bottom line is it is His choice not mine. But, I do not have to live in that environment. He dug is own hole and will have to accept his fate.
How strict should parents be with their 18-year-old college student?
If you aren't allowed to make your own decisions and fail at 18, you will not be prepared to make your own decisions at 24. Not allowing you to make mistakes will harm you later in life and not prepare you to be an adult. Your parents have good intentions, I'm sure, but to hand hold an 18 year old is to bind a baby bird's wings, then wonder why it can't really fly when it grows up.My parents were pretty controlling when I lived with them, so when I went to college 700 miles away, I refused to contact them for long stretches at a time, once a week or less. I would not answer calls if I was busy (which I often was). I used my distance as leverage to force independence. They had to TRUST I was doing well and making good decisions and had no control over my curfew, knew none of my friends, or what I was doing with my time, and as a result we learned to live without each other. If they were still nagging me about doing my homework or the amount of time I spent on the internet (a LOT) or how late I was out (usually hitting the books or at work, NOT partying), I'd never have actually learned time management, which requires SELF discipline.My brother, on the other hand, had a much harder time in college and learned the hard way about putting in effort and managing time (his vice was video games). He required my parent's intervention, but failed out anyway, even after time off. Your parents probably fear that fate, though he's got a full time job now and is getting his life together, so its not the end of the world.If your grades are mostly A's and you really did learn from that F its highly likely you're at a better place to achieve then fail. But the only way to know is to be allowed to try. Better to be able fail now and hit the ground hard while you still have a safety net than fail after graduation when the stakes are higher.