My dad called me a disappointment and i think i agree with him.?
I have never been good at school or anything for that matter. I'm an overall good kid and I am nice to everyone even if they're not to me. I started summer school because i failed my classes and i missed the 1st day of summer school because i was recovering from a stomach virus and now they wont let me make it up so now i have to redo all my classes next year and i guess get bullied by people in my grade for failing and On the way home from summer school today my dad said i was an embarrassment and a disappointment and that i should just drop out of school.. he said this out of no where. i told him nicely that i didn't want to drop out because i want to good and that i want to go to college and his reply was "smart people go to colloege. you're not smart. you're not gonna make it" i didn't reply i just sat there and waited until we got home . my heart has never felt so broken in my life. All i ever wanna do is make my parents proud of me somehow but i never can and i never will. This isn't a question i guess i just needed to vent.
My Family Is So Disappointed In Me…I Don’t Know What To Do Anymore!!?
I don’t know why but I just really realized that this whole past year I have disappointed so many people and I am really regretting that now. I always fight with my parents over things like when I would come home late, or when I would get grounded for having a party. Honestly, I don’t have a very good relationship with my parents anymore. There are so many times when I would leave for school or go to bed or go somewhere so pissed off at my parents. I now regret all of that because today I heard something that really made me realize what I have been doing this past year. My whole family probably hates me now for all the things I have done and said to them. It was just last Friday night I came home at like 1 AM and my mom so mad that I was home that late and I told her that I hated her and told her to shut the hell up and stay out of my life. I feel like my whole family is ashamed of me. my older sister who is 25 and who I look up to even told me that she is disappointed in what I have been doing lately. When she told me that I told her do u think I really give a **** but deep down inside I really did. I don’t know what to do. I’m only 17 and I really want to stop going to parties and getting drunk and I want to get my grades back to where they used to be and most of all I want to get my family’s respect back…but I really don’t know if that is possible. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need advice!
How do I forgive my mother for hurting me repeatedly, when she doesn't think it was wrong? I broke off contact, but I crave a relationship with her.
This question is very timely for me right now.Two days ago, I spoke with my mother on the phone after almost three years of no contact.She was physically abusive during my childhood and mentally and emotionally abusive throughout my adult years.There’s an example in Kittie Eubank's answer to What's the worst thing your parent has ever said to you?In 2013 I decided enough was enough, and I cut her off.There is no room in this life I have created for someone who only sows negativity and hurt.She tried to contact me a few times over the years and I blocked her. That didn’t stop her from showing up in my dreams, though.I knew that being estranged from me was very painful for her. She doesn’t understand it at all; she thought we were close.Even though before I cut off contact I tried several times to talk to her about specific instances of abuse, she never could see that she did anything wrong.It was always my fault - I was being selfish. I took it wrong. She did it for my own good.So why did I call her two days ago?She texted me, about a week before that. She said she was sorry for everything she ever did to hurt me.There was no guilt-tripping or finger-pointing. Just an apology and a request to reestablish a relationship.After much thought and seeking counsel from people I trust, I decided to reach out and give her another chance.I have firm boundaries in place, and if she crosses them I am prepared to break off contact permanently.But if she is in a place now where she can be a part of my life, I will accept that.It will never be the same. I don’t think I can ever trust her. I don’t look forward to speaking to her again. She will never understand the harm she did.I called her for her, not for me. But that’s okay.So for you, OP, I would say….You can forgive your mother by letting go of the active resentment for what she did to you.Holding onto unforgiveness only hurts you - it doesn’t affect her at all.However, even after you have forgiven, you must be careful to guard your heart. Don’t let her into your life if she brings more negative than positive.It is hard. We want to have mothers who love and support us. Sometimes, though, they are incapable of doing that.Surround yourself with people who bring you joy, who lift you up and love you.Forgive your mother because it will release that tight ball of resentment writhing in your gut - you don’t need that.
Why are Asian parents so unsupportive in comparison to other parents?
As an Asian, I remember that my parents were very vicious to me. I was a fairly smart student and I was also an avid piano player. I remember that my parents made me quit piano because I “only” got 2nd place in a state competition. One time in school, there was a really hard test. I got a B, and a lot of people got and F. My parents said that I was stupid and that all the other Asians got and A. When it was time to study for a math test, my parents would take the study book and make me to do 70 pages! They said that 70 pages is nothing and that they can do it in an hour. I was very discouraged and depressed as a child. My dad always called me a “f*cking idiot” and said that I was not his son. Ironically, he screamed at me if I cussed, even though he was the one who taught me the word “f*ck” when I was only two or three. He always thought he was right and thought that I was really dumb, even though I was the star of my Scholastic Bowl team. My mom called me “a piece of junk” and always verbally abused me. I even saw her kick my brother down the stairs because he “stole” some toys from school (they were really some fake rocks that were part of his art project). Another time, when I was in 8th grade, I went to a private school where 8th grade is part of high school. A senior who I knew fairly well gave me some skittles. When I got home and gave some to my brother, my mom intercepted. She asked me where the candy was from. If I lie, my mom makes me sit in the garage for an hour, so I told her that it was from a senior. She screamed at me and said that it must be drugs disguised as candy, so in the dead of winter, I ended up sitting in the garage barefoot in shorts and a T-shirt as punishment. However, my parents are not always mean to me and they sometimes treat me with kindness. In my opinion, all that discipline helped me in a way because it prepared me for struggles as an adult. It is hard to be an Asian in the United States because of Affirmative Action and other social barriers, and in a way, cruel Asian parents are trying to toughen their kids up. Still, I think that there are better ways to do this.
Last night, I came home to my 13 year old brother drunk with all his friends. I was horrified.?
Hell no, don't tell your mom. Put yourself in his shoes, if you did something wrong, would you want him to rat you out? Yes it's bad. Yes he should not be doing it. But people learn about life from doing bad things, falling down, and learning lessons. Let him learn his lesson. If he does it again or repetitively, it will catch up to him - this is how we learn, by making our own mistakes. No one was hurt, they stayed at home, no one was driving, be thankful that is the end of it and be a brother, not a rat. I am a DAD - and have had kids - as a Dad I'd want to know, but on the other hand, I still remember what it was like to grow up, get drunk, have hangovers, get a broken heart - this is how we'd learn. If you were my kid, I'd understand if you kept quiet. All but the most controlling, right wing fascist parents would agree that controlling a kid's actions doesn't help anything and only makes them rebel harder against you. Some things they need to learn the hard way, and on their own. This is one of them.
Does growing up with a narcissistic parent set you up for selecting a narcissistic spouse?
yes. because you have not learned how it feels to be valued and respected. you will not recognize abuse when it is on your doorstep, it may even feel familiar and reassuring, like a visit from mom, before mom starts in on the abuse. the love bombing is easy to fall into, and your brain will make the dreaded trauma bond, rationalizing the abusive behavior so you can get to the good stuff. your have weak and ill defined boundaries so you don’t feel entitled to respect and decent behavior from your mate. you learned as a child to blame yourself to keep the image of the parent intact. you do not want your parent to be cruel and unhealthy, that means you are unsafe, so you turn the blame to yourself because this gives you the illusion that you can change and become lovable to the parent. you keep sad and distressing feelings to yourself to keep the mood happy, you fake it all the way. you then do this with an adult romantic relationship, making excuses, denying the abuse, denying your hurt and disappointment, trying harder and harder, pretending you are not upset, sad, hurt, betrayed. they know you are doing this and love watching you jump over the constantly moving goal posts. your self esteem plummets and you are reminded of how terrible you felt as a child it must be your fault since you are at this place again with someone you love, you are the constant thing right? no, narcissism is the constant thing, but no one will tell you that. your low self esteem makes a break up intolerable, so you stay and stay and stay for some crumbs, like a lap dog waiting for the biscuit to crumble. just when you can’t take it anymore, the narc sees that too, and jumps in with more love bombing, flowers, compliments, great sex. you must have imagined all the pain, this is perfection! then it’s not, you must have screwed up again. you are confused and lack support. as a child you were not allowed to see what you see, feel what you feel, believe yourself. as an adult you must see what you see, feel what you feel and learn to tolerate abandonment so that you feel entitled to state your needs in a reasonable and adult manner, and not fear him walking out. if he walks out because you have needs and say them, he is a narc all the way, and you have saved yourself all the heartache in the world, protected your self esteem, advocated for yourself, and screened out a controlling cruel creep that wants to take you down then move on to another victim.
How should I deal with my mother who tries to make me feel guilty and evil if I’m not acting or thinking exactly the way she wants me to?
First if you feel guilty and evil then it’s not on the account of your mother but on the account of how you are perceiving the things she says. I’d ask you do you know where you stand in regards to the disagreements you have with your mother? If not then that should be your first goal. Learn yourself and your core values and express those.Let her know that you respect her perspective and show her that the love you have for, if indeed you have love for her, will never be destroyed for simply disagreements between the both of you. Tell her the truth but tell her you love her first and last.