What’s the best advice your mom has given you?
"Think big. Dream big. Success is not about the value of your assets or your income--it's about unleashing your full potential to achieve your dreams. Take advantage of your youth and explore everything you possibly can until you find out who you are and what you want. But most importantly, there is no substitute for hard work." - my mom. Easy advice to understand, but very difficult to apply. =P
What parenting advice would you give a mother with BPD and two young kids?
Hello Sue Mei thank you for the A2A. My heart began to ache when I read your question because I was raised by an untreated Borderline Personality Disordered mother and it was no picnic to say the least. The key here is that I had horrible experiences with an untreated BPD mother. I have read about the successful treatment of this condition and if the patient is motivated there is good opportunity for success. Getting trained professional help is not only key it is absolutely the only chance you have to recover. Raising young children is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing and you have to be emotionally fit to care for them. One of the recurring issues I had with a few of my BPD ex-wives was I had to constantly remind them that our children were just children. They would often try to relate to the kids like they were relating to adults and that simply doesn’t work.Let me give you some examples: Kindergarten when my first child started school I was of course happy and proud that our little one is growing up…..but when you have a borderline spouse kindergarten becomes an emotional roller coaster from hell. That was due in part because of splitting (black and white all or nothing thinking). Every time our child did something above average my wife would go through something similar to an idealization phase bragging to all our friends that we’re raising a genius. When the poor kid had trouble cutting a straight line it was the “end of the world” and the devaluation and the hypercritical comments would start. If that’s not bad enough we also went through times when she simply was not emotionally available for the child and the little ones become very hurt and feel neglected.These are some of the risks of an untreated BPD raising children the very best way to assure that mother with BPD can avoid hurting the child in the ways I have described is to get into therapy with a therapist trained and qualified to treat Borderline Personality Disorder. Not every therapist is specifically trained and from the stories I have read an untrained therapist cannot successfully treat this disorder. These are my opinions based on my experience. I wish you the very best and I hope this is some help.Sincerely,Hank Tahelluride
My mother in law lives next door and insists on controlling everything. What should I do? How can I talk with her and still be on good terms and have a happy home?
Boundaries. Discuss and identify with your spouse what your values are, and prioritize and protect them. When a parent’s child gets married, the dynamic shifts- the child has begun a “new family”, not that the parents disappear, they lose rank in the priority circle. Decisions are made between the husband and wife, not the parents/married couple.If I was going to summarize the way to do boundaries, it would be 1) determine values within your marriage/family 2) protect/prioritize them 3) communicate these boundaries with “offenders” gently 4) If “offenders” choose to not respect these boundaries, your option is put up a physical boundary of how they interact with you.I do not mean cut somebody out of your life completely (although in some unfortunate cases this needs to happen), but limit how they operate in the area that they are choosing to disrespect.I personally would not choose to live next door to any of my family members, as it is an unfortunate reality that most people do not know how to practice good boundaries (its a learned skill), and the learning curve can take a long time and it may not be worth it to wait it out- the toll it takes on your stress levels and marriage may be intense.I highly recommend the book Boundaries.I totally feel for you in this circumstance, and I hope you have a peaceful outcome with your MIL and spouse :)
Mom snores SO loud help me?
I think that you need to make this your Mom's problem as well as yours, as her snoring is preventing her keeping a relationship. By talking with her in these terms, and explaining that she too will benefit from her not snoring (ie she will get a better night's sleep too, keep her partners, kids not so grumpy because they are being kept awake) she may be more willing to seek the help she needs. If it is a medical condition then she will need to seek medical advice before it get's worse. First present her with the facts, like recording her snoring and then get some snoring remedy information together for her to try. Go to my website http://snoring.lotsforall and you will see a list of them, and show them to your Mom - she might even like to get the book to help her keep that perfect partner next time. Good luck and I think that your Mom is very lucky to have someone who cares.
My self and my partner are desperately trying for a baby with no luck, any tips?
I've come to believe stress plays a major patr in not being able to concieve.The harder you try, and fail, more stress is caused by the not succeeding and even more emotions come into play like depression and dissatisfaction. stop trying so hard.Just relax. god knows when we are ready able and deserving of the precious gift. I am the mother of 7 beautiful children and tried desperately for the 5th one.I tried for almost 2 years and within a month of relaxing and not focusing on becoming pregnant and more on the intimacy with my husband,I became pregnant. and not with just one!I now have beautiful3year old twin girls to and to my precious family!