Why would a birth mother not want to be reunited with the child she gave up for adoption?
I can answer as a birth mother. I had a daughter in 1967 and a son in 1968. I gave them both up for adoption because I was not ready to be a mother. I thought sex equaled love and I was looking for love. I found out too late that I was wrong. I was too immature to raise a child, not financially able to raise a child and I had no clue what to do about it. I decided to give my children up for adoption because it was the best option for them.My daughter was adopted by friends of a friend so I knew her name and that the couple would be returning to Chicago from CA, where the man was stationed in the Army. After about 40 years I decided to try to see if she was on Facebook. I found her there and sent her an e-mail telling her about me and the situation and that if she wanted to contact me it is OK. I would give her the health information about my family if she needed it.I turned out that she was never told she was adopted. She always knew she was different from her parents. They had dark straight hair; she had reddish curly hair. There were other hints as well. So it was pretty much a shock to her to hear about me. I left it up to her what contact we would have because I didn’t want to make her life hard for her. We keep in touch infrequently by Facebook. It turns out she likes a lot of the same things that I do and that is a thrill for me.She seems to be very happy in her life and I don’t want to make waves for her so I don’t push for any other contact with her. I don’t want to make her life difficult just so I can ease my conscience. I feel I did the right thing by allowing this couple who couldn’t have a child a child naturally take mine.My son was adopted through an agency so I know nothing about him at all. I sometimes think about contacting the agency, but I don’t think they are open anymore. Then I think that I might be the same situation; that he may not have been told he was adopted and I don’t want to make it difficult for him. I know I gave him more of an opportunity to be raised better and always hope that was the case, but I doubt that I will ever know for sure. And I am OK with that.EDIT: My son contacted me last week and he is very glad that he was brought up by the people who adopted him. Yay! Two for two.
Do I have to meet my birth mother?
So I was taken away from my birth mom when I was 2 because of addiction and my birth dad took care of me and still does to this day. When I was 3 my dad met my adoptive mom and they got married. But because my birth mom and dad weren't married when they had me my mom is considered to have legally "adopted" me. If my birth parents had been married my adoptive mom would be my stepmom but thy weren't so I am not. What I am wondering is if I will ever HAVE to meet my bio mom, because I don't want to if I have a choice but I think she will want to meet me. Do I have to? At what age would I legally be able to meet her? 18? Thank you!
Meeting with birth mother...?
You are not responsible for your birth mother's feelings. You are obviously caring and sensitive to them and do not want her to be hurt. But you are not hurting her. If she is able to understand that because of her decision, you are a fulfilled person with a full life and loving family, and that you are truly thankful for that, then she will have the choice to accept that or not. It may not be easy, but it is the natural consequence for some adopted people. Not others. What you said is very powerful to me: "I want her to know I had a great life and am very grateful she chose to have me and place me for adoption (I was born over a year after Roe v. Wade so she could have chosen an abortion). I want her to know she shouldn’t feel guilty and that I’ve never felt abandoned." The truth should feel reaffirming to her. Adoption involves sadness, because there is undeniable loss. Just as there is often fulfillment. Your ability to be honest with her is a gift. Speak from your heart and let her see the loving and grounded daughter you are.
Could a (birth) mother ever forget about the child whom she gave up for adoption?
My wife was adopted, and she had no interest at all in finding her birth mother, even when she found her birth mother’s name in the adoption records that she found after her adoptive mother passed away. Her birth mother made no attempt to contact her.I was a Labor and Deliver nurse. I once cared for a woman who had been gang-raped by some bikers. She chose adoption because she feared that her baby would be a daily reminder of her brutal rape. She spent two days with the baby, signed the adoption papers and was discharged. The baby had to stay an extra day because its bilirubin was elevated. Twenty-four hours later, the mother came back to the hospital, cancelled the adoption and took her baby home.We once got a transfer from a remote rural hospital of a woman who presented to their ER saying that she had appendicitis. The ER Dr. examined her and asked her when her baby was due. She said, “What do you mean? I’m not married.” The Dr. said, “Married or not, you’re pregnant.” She said, “That’s not possible. I’m a virgin.” Because he didn’t know if the baby was premature, and his hospital didn’t have a Level III nursery, he transferred her to our hospital, which is the Regional Perinatal Referral Center.She maintained that she wasn’t pregnant, and had an explanation for all her symptoms. Her stomach was enlarged because she had “gained a lot of weight recently.” The fact that you could readily see the baby move was explained away as “I’ve had the worst gas for the last few months.” She continued to deny the pregnancy until she delivered.It later turned out that she was a preacher’s daughter. Right after high school, she started working as a secretary at the real estate office of a family friend. Her married employer seduced her. When he determined that she was pregnant, he promptly fired her. She went into full denial mode and hid the pregnancy from her parents. Her parents begged her to keep the baby, but she gave it up for adoption. When we discharged her she said, “I just want to forget that this ever happened.”
My biological mother wants to meet me ?
Dad had me at 18, but my biological mom gave me up to him & moved away with her parents. She broke all contacts with dad, so we had no clue where she was, neither was I interested. Dad did his high school & eventually went to college. When he was in his early 20’s & working, he met my 'to-be' step-mom, whom I adore & look at her as a big-sister figure, she’s like just 15 yrs older than me. Dad married her & it’s been 4 years, now I’m a big half-sister to my 2 y/o twin half-brothers. Yesterday, dad came to me came to me telling me that someone wanted to speak to me over the phone, I took the call and it was my real mom. I was heart-broken, I asked her where she was all my life & she tried to explain the situation 15 years ago, but I didn't find her reasons for taking the 'toughest decision in life by abandoning her ex-boyfriend & her newborn daughter' valid. I got to know that I have a 5 y/o half-sister from my mom’s side & she told me that, the day my half-sister was born, she couldn't stop thinking about me. She now wants to meet me, but I was too upset I put the phone down & went to my room crying. Mom got really upset but my step-mom, told her that she’ll try to make me understand. It was definitely a touchy night; my dad was in an emotional state too. My step-mom hugged me & asked me to give mom a chance & go meet her; at least I can also get to meet my half-sister…. But, I just don’t know what to do ?
Is it wrong that I want to find my birth parents? My adoptive family says my birth parents will feel uncomfortable and don't want to be found.
Virtually every adopted child becomes curious about their birth parents. It is reasonable for you to be interested.But yearning for your birth parents is an emotional mine field for everyone involved: you, your birth parents, and your adoptive parents. I won’t pretend to have any idea what’s going through your head, even though I have two adopted children, but it’s worth taking a minute to sort it out. Do you feel abandoned? What effect will meeting your birth parents have on you? How are you going to react if they were nasty neglectful drug-addled people? How are you going to react (and how are they going to feel) if they were living a horrible life and had to make an impossible decision to give you up for adoption? How will your adoptive parents feel if you signal that you’d rather have the birth parents who gave you up than the adoptive parents who spent so many years raising you. If your birth parents want/wanted no contact, is it OK to impose your will on them and force contact?See? Emotional mine field.Get your own shit together. Be clear on why you want to find your birth parents and what you want to do after you find them. Make an analytical (not emotional) decision about whether it’s better (for you, for them, for your adoptive parents) to find them or not find them, contact them or not contact them. If you contact them, have a list of the most important questions you want to ask ready, because you may get only one shot at asking. Start with simple questions first, like “Where your born?” and save emotionally loaded questions like, “Why did you abandon me?” for later or not at all.
I was given up for adoption? My birth parents want to meet me?
Something doesn't sound right about this situation to me. But if as you say your birth parents keep sending letters; then I suggest YOU write the letter telling them you are not interested at this point in time in meeting them. It's up to you but I wouldn't say never because nothing is as sure as change and there might be some reason down the road you may change your mind. But tell them in your short letter that this is not something you are prepared to deal with now but you will keep their contact information and get back in touch when/if you are ready. This way, they've heard it from you directly rather than wondering if your adoptive parents are actually giving you the messages. I can't imagine that they wouldn't stop once they hear this is your choice not your parents.