How do I deal with parents who fight all the time? My parents argue over trivial things. Mom has a temper, blames people, and controls everyone. She compares us with others, saying how good they are. Dad is too stubborn to apologize, and has an ego.
There is nothing you can do about your parents' fighting. Believe me. I spent years wondering what I could do.The only thing that you can do is get some space from it. It is not likely that their relationship is going to change unless they decide to change it. It's not up to you or your siblings to change them and trying will just make it all the harder for you to disengage from this very toxic dynamic in your family.It's time to grow more independent of your family and seek more sane and peaceful relationships for your own life. These dynamics have a way of creeping up into your own relationships simply because you have been in the midst of them for years. You need to know that and begin to become as conscious as you can about thinking about and having good communication in your life.Decide how you would like to proceed in creating a different energy in your life from the one that your parents have created. Get some help for this. Over time, you will create your own set of relationships that are based on healthier, more loving values. If that becomes your goal, you will begin to beat the stress and move forward in a new direction. Just don't spend your life getting stuck in their dynamic- unless you want to create such drama in your own life.
How do you feel about step-parents?
I am married to a man that has 3 kids from a previous marriage and we also have children of our own. I have always felt a little awkward about being a step-mother. So many people say that as a step mom, I am not the "mother" so I shouldn't discipline or have say in what they do or do not do. How are we supposed to function as a family if the woman of the household has no say? That's just strange to me. I have been treated poorly (verbally) by one of the step kids, but when I talk about it with others in my husband's family, they always side with him. Like he's had such a rough life. I understand divorce can be hard on kids, but when they are surrounded by anything and everything a kid could ask for besides mommy and daddy being together, don't you think they should understand a little? I mean the kid is 17 yrs old already. All I know is that when I was a kid, I was taught to respect your elders. If an adult tells you to do or not do something, you listen. You don't act disrespectful. Now, I can't say I'm the only one my step son mistreats. He treats his Grandmother very badly. Sometimes, after dealing with the ex-wife and the drama with the stepkids, I sometimes think maybe my mom was right......you don't want a man with baggage! Please, tell me your thoughts about being a step-parent!
Isn't is amazing how many step parents complain about their spouses children........?
I am very aware that not ALL step parents are like this......my husband is one and he is amazing! I understand the situation is difficult....I lived it! I just do not understand step parents (and I dislike that term as well) who place blame on a child for a situation the child had no control over. There has got to be some level of patience there. Momto2** your situation was entirely different than most.....I understand. Most people would have walked away upon learning what you did. You did not.....you stuck with it and I admire that. I understand....really I do:)
My mother blames me for my step father raping me. Can I rebuild the relationship?
From the ages of 11-13 my step father used to molest and rape me. It went to the courts and he was prosecuted and I was put into the care of my grandparents. I had little contact with my mother but I am trying to build the bridge to have a relationship with her now that I am 22. I recently asked her why she has been reluctant at my attempts at contact and she told me that she has always blamed me for what happened. I asked her if she understands that it was not my fault and I never instigated anything and said she thought at the time that I must have seduced him and while she probably knows that is not true now she said she has never forgiven me for reporting it and sending him to jail. I was really upset at this and the conversation ended with her saying that i will never know the pain I put her through. I tried to say that it was HE who put us both through pain and she said I should have just told her and they could have sorted it but instead I ruined her life and she doesn't know if she can forgive me. My father died when I was a baby and now my grandparents have died so she is my only family. I don't know what to do. I feel so wronged that she blames me but I still want a relationship with her but I don't know if that is possible.
Why does my whole family blame me for everything?
I live with parents, my younger brother (who's 12) and my older sister (who's 19). I'm 16. All of them seem to blame me for everything. Examples: 1) 3 days ago, my sister bought a new shirt. She left her room to go back out, and when she came back it was gone. Then she shouted at me and accused me of stealing it. I said I never did anything, but she kept calling me a liar and a thief. 2) One time my mum was expecting a couple of friends around, so she bought a bottle of rosé wine. She left the bottle on the table, and when she went back in there 15-20 minutes later it was gone. She then started accusing me of drinking it. I said I'm 16, I'm underage... and I would do that. But just like my sister, she called me a liar and grounded me for half a week. I discovered it was my sister who took it, but my mum still thinks it was me. 3) On Saturday my dad was having beef sandwiches for lunch. Before eating them, he went to go to the fridge to get some coke. When he went back to the table, one of the sandwiches was partially eaten. Our dog ate it, but he still blames me because he said I told the dog to it. 4) My brother had to do a science project a couple of weeks ago. While he was getting more glue, he discovered some of it fell apart and blamed ME for it. I said I would never sabotage his project, but he called mum up and she started accusing me as well. I said I never did it, but both of them called me a "dirty rotten liar". Why does my family blame me for everything?
Do you consider your step family functional?
I was part of a fairly outwardly functional stepfamily. However as soon as I moved in with my late husband, he began to tease and be unkind to my 3 year old son. Up until we had married he had been fine with the boy. I remember thinking when I was heavily pregnant with our son, “Out of the frying pan and into the fire!” After that I resigned myself to damage limitation. Again I walked on eggshells and my son began to do the same. Both my boys and his own son with his ex (who stayed every weekend) were a bit scared of their dad, which was no bad thing in many ways. However my son seemed to be always blamed for everything. My husband seemed to set him up to fail so that he could then reduce him to tears. This seemed to happen every weekend that the boy wasn’t visiting his father. He was not the same with his own two sons. So it was the unfair and unkind treatment that really began to grind me down. I tried everything I could think of, talking, nagging, silent treatment, writing a letter, walking out halfway through meals, talking to other people and in the end, antidepressants and counselling. By the time my son was 15 he started staying with friends a lot. I never denied his ill treatment and we discussed it a lot. He was able to tuck it away and get on with studying, going to university, moved in with his dad and getting a good job. He is now married (possibly not as happy as he could be) with two little boys of his own.To return to the question. Outwardly we were a successful stepfamily. All the adults were civil and even went on outings, birthday celebrations etc together. We all tried hard to think of the kids first (although the ex and new wife and I did this more than the men!) Our kids all turned out well and managed to scrape through their teenage years without lasting damage.
Why do step mothers treat children differently than biological mothers?
Man no one else is as qualified as I am to answer this question.I have had two step mothers and a few that have tried to become my unofficial foster mothers, whatever the fuck that means. Ain't nobody will ever take my love for my mom away from me. Anyway, getting back to the point…They see the biological son or daughter as a threat typically. The want their own children to have the husband or spouse's inheritance. Honestly I don't blame them as I have been through the motions twice.It is natural for a human being to want to preserve their bloodline. If they are your step parent they are not your bloodline. Ergo you are not theirs.I'm not saying it's always like that, because after a time they may treat you as their own, but I only had that experience with one of mine, and I feel that part of the reason she has warmed to me much more than before is the realization that I will probably go on to make a great deal of money and have shown an interest in supporting my brothers and sisters. Yet again, I don't blame her, it's natural.A step parent is basically looking at everyone in the family as a stranger when they first come in and they effectively need to 'stake' their territory, that territory being your biological parent.Also it depends if you have their spouses ear very heavily. What I mean is if you are the confidante or influencer of the step parent's spouse, that step parent is going to feel anxious about you, knowing that a few choice words of yours can turn the spouse against the step parent. I never did that, but I'm pretty sure that is why one of my step mothers is a bitch to me.When your young, having double parents can be tricky and emotionally difficult, especially when dealing with envy amongst all parties, but as you grow older don't give a fuck about it, double the parents means double the connections and opportunities.You have the choice to love whoever you want. You can love step parents and your biological parents, you can love only one person if you feel that way. I have great respect for my step father to love me like his own son.I have not been unfortunate enough however to have gone through the death of a biological parent and see the actions of the step parent (apart from in my grandmothers case), but I believe it would be similar, those that you were close to become closer and those that weren't so close, I guess they tend to drift away.Honestly, in my opinion, it's just biological.