Will you critique my poem?
I Am I am your heart as it is racing Your feet as they are pacing I am your blood as it is rushing through your veins; The cause of all your self-inflicted pains. I am the voice inside your head The pain behind your tears The reason that you bled and the worst of all your fears. I am the nightmares in your sleep The decay inside your soul I am your curse; your impending doom As well as the empty feeling in your room. I am the disposal of your humanity The corruptor of your sanity The producer of your calamity, The reason for your afflictions, The judge of your convictions. I am the pulse of your existence The death of your persistence, The eternity of your failed resistance. I am the stutter of your speech The tremble in your bones The eerie echo of your pain-filled moans. I am the sound you hear when no ones there, The faintest whisper, The unseen glare. I am the crashing of your system, The disconnecting of your server The mastermind behind this malevolent fervor. I am the thoughts trapped inside your malignant mind, There I'll be, I'll stay behind.
Criticism for my poem?
I'm writing a poem, and I just finished a very rough draft. I was seeking for help with improving the poem's flow to help it roll off the tongue more easily. Here it is: Crimson: Crimson, Crimson, the world is a volatile kaleidoscope Dwindling, it carries hapless souls in its violent pollution You consume me, and my vision becomes ever clearer To escape, unaware, is the bittersweet yet calming solution. In the eyes of the damned, harsh reality can mesmerize Yet the holders, they longingly approach death’s door Equipped, the Crimson perceives no error, a befitting illusion With it in hand, the nightmares I shall behold nevermore. The novelty worn, the spectacle leaves me trapped in a void Crimson brought me to salvation: this world, devoured by sin too adept Should one thrive in his own fantasy if it erases the cognizance of reality? Crimson has restored the hilarity of which this world has been bereft Abandoning my profound duty of restoration, I have found my answer The die has been cast, fate has appeared ever glummer Why should I succumb to the engulfing flame of this hellish winter When I can drink a lethal dose of your Crimson: my perennial summer?
Will you critique my poem (revised)?
Thanks for the A2A. Here are my thoughts:You have some nice lines and images here. I particularily like "Living in the lightening of those storms." That's quite good. I also like, "Contingencies for the clouds" and that idea pairs well with the engineers who designed the tree, so good use of evokative words and images. I'm not sure what "fending off the rays that led leaves astray." - do you just mean that sunlight encouraged the plant to grow in a different direction than the engineers wanted? That idea kind of works for a vine type plant, but a tree? Who is this "our" in stanza three? Are you comparing this tree's growth to a couples'? That idea is not expressed clearly enough. And it's also problematic b/c this "our" doesn't appear again in the poem. It's not the engineers, who are the "they," from stanza two, right? By then of stanza three and four, you seen to be mixing your metaphors and I honestly don't know what you're talking about. You seem to be comparing the sparks to pirates, but then you lose the spark metaphor and seem to be talking about real pirates "sailing on rumbling seas," and looking for treasure. But the "and bark" takes me back to the tree, so are we back to talking about a spark? So is this spark thirsting and searching for something to burn the way a pirate searches for treasure? I also like the sound and image of the line "goose-winged guided by wet fingers." But I have no idea what it means. I don't know who the "they" in stanza four is. The engineers? The pirates? The sparks? Clearly, there's some theme here of a rogue force that over takes nature (since the committee planned the tree, and this rogue struck down the committee and burned the tree said committee made), but I'm not sure what the point of all that is.
Can I get constructive criticism on my poem (see comments)?
Can I get constructive criticism on my poem (see comments)?Operations done (Take note of my comments as I did the operations) -(1) First attempt is to remove redundancy. “I hope someday” has been reduced: Removed from Lines 2, 4, 6. It is understood anyway that I hope someday is the introduction.(2) Line 2: “think” at the end of the line sounds too sharp. We change it to “perceive” (synonym of think) and delete “cause” (unnecessary) and the second “you” (unnecessary). Final line is: Believe in yourself you have more to offer than perceived. Here, you practice poetic license. A poet is free from conventions of arrangements in order to express her thoughts for effect.(3) Line 5: Delete “from” and “and.” Final line: I hope someday you open up yourself, set free your beautiful soul,(4) In Line 7 and Line 8, “Someday” is retained (but not “I hope someday”). It is to add novelty and to reduce monotony (from I hope someday). At the same time, it is to emphasize the longing and hope contained in “someday.”Note that there is a difference in saying I hope someday and Someday.Someday is deeper and holds some mystique than just saying I hope someday.(5) Line 8: Delete the second “you.” Change “your” to “the” Final line: Someday, find yourself, will see all the greatness like I see.(6) Line 9 is just added. It’s up to you. It’s like a ribbon. It adds to style and expresses hope.PROPOSED FINAL VERSION -Someday(Line 1) I hope someday you will love yourself like the way that you loved me,(Line 2) Believe in yourself you have more to offer than perceived.(Line 3) I hope someday you forgive yourself for all the things you hold inside,(Line 4) Relieve yourself and no longer feel the need to hide.(Line 5) I hope someday you open up yourself, set free your beautiful soul,(Line 6) Treat yourself so you can gain back your self control.(Line 7) Someday, you will see your worth and be all that you long to be,(Line 8) Someday, find yourself, will see all the greatness like I see.(Line 9) Someday.
Who can critique my poetry?
If you would like me to read your work, I would be willing. I think over history a lot of writers work in a depressed, intoxicated stupor--it seems to go with the trade if you think of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Faulkner (who had to be poured out of a bathtub filled with ice-cubes to deliver his Nobel speech), Lowell and Berryman, etc. My guess is they all revised sober.You can post poems here or send them by message. I can't promise that I will praise them, but if they are praiseworthy, I would.
Critique My Poem: The Girl From Bronx
Sweet and lovely The girl from Bronx Wih Dominican Caramel tan Walking down the street with brim black hat Silky long hair how lovely Wearing short skirt tight and sexy Showing shapely legs how beautiful and sexy Has pink high heels making her tip top sexy Drawing jeers and whistles Oh the girl from the Bronx Sweet and lovely
Where can I get critiques of my poems and short stories?
Start sending stuff to your friends. Create an opt-in email list, send them 3 examples and see who opts in. Encourage them to comment. Many of the comments will be of the nature of how they connected with your poem or story, some will be more technical about style etc. I prefer the first sort of comment, and find it interesting in who connects with what. I've had such a list for the last 3+years, and delight in the small conversations that arise.
My poem. I need constructive criticism. Please read & comment?
Title: Leaving Me To Face The Lies I have been considering publishing, though I am only 14. Perhaps when I am older? Please read my other poems in my recent questions section. Constructive criticism, please. I have been facing a brick wall of lies for days now Without a single person wondering of my motives Nor without any questions of turning back to the real world This is the punishment that I have chosen for my sins And I will serve it without a single word of complaint Maybe someone will notice me standing here alone Or someone would care to look up for a change instead of down This is a crime that I comitted so willingly, so freely Is that of the upmost severity and is looked down upon The horrible deed that I did was allow you to steal my heart I allowed you to guide me past the darkness, towards the light But when all was revealed to everyone, you fled in terror Without a word of apology or vague explanation