Should we step in when our kids disrespect their grandparents?
Okay, so we have 3 children. DH has 2 boys from a previous marriage and we have 1 toddler together. He has full custody of the boys and their mom hasn't been in the picture for the past 5 years (they are 8 & 10.) Since they have school during the year and we both work, they spend a lot of time at DH's parents during the summer, seeing as they can't do it much during the school year. Well grandparents spoil, I get that. And they let grand kids get away with what I feel is more than they would ever let us get away with when we were little. Today, we went to see them (theyve been there about a week,) and walked in on an argument between our youngest son and his grandpa. Because he was being disrespectful, we immediately stepped in. Things escalated from there, he got the same attitude with us that he has towards his grandparents (which he NEVER does at home!) Anyway, it got so bad we brought him home with us. DH's parents never discipline these kids, ever. And we never really hear about what goes on there because the kids would be in trouble, and we would also have some words with the grandparents. Now, part of me feels like we really do need to step in and never ever allow our kids to talk to them the way they do (btw, they're the only ones our kids treat like complete crap, because they're the only ones who allow it.) But then another part of me wants to sit back and basically let them have what's coming to them. I mean, isnt it their fault that the boys treat them the way they do, when they allow it? They are the ones who constantly want them there, once school is out they are begging for the boys to come visit, it's not like we're forcing them to take them and deal with their disrespect. Every time the boys dont get their way at their house, they literally throw tantrums and scream/cry/kick till they get what they want. Let me say again they NEVER do this at home, or school, or with any other family member from either side. They do it with their grandparents because they allow it, with no discipline or consequences. So should we as their parents step in when we can and stop the behavior? Or should we let the grandparents get what they deserve? (We feel like they deserve it because they allow it)
How do I get my ex husband to stop talking down to me in front of our 9 yr old at functions where seeing him is unavoidable? We split amicably, but one of the reasons for the divorce was the disrespect.
Dear Krysten Bogeajis,This is a difficult situation (as you already are aware). And your daughter is only nine? So you need to be involved with him for a long time yet…How do I get my ex husband to stop talking down to me in front of our 9 yr old at functions where seeing him is unavoidable? We split amicably, but one of the reasons for the divorce was the disrespect.Consider writing him a letter, setting out your case as deeply and calmly as you can? That may give him some distance for the best chance to absorb what you are trying to convey, without defensiveness and without interrupting you…Keep in mind he may not be able to help his manner; if he grew up with this attitude toward women in his birth family, then it is deeply ingrained. So you may not be able to hope for anything more than just to make a small inroad into his awareness.However if he treats you with disrespect, this personality flaw doubtless diminishes his other interactions in life. Write from a sense of calm; knowing that you will be helping him with your efforts.
Can minors get a tatoo in North Dakota with parental consent?
I'm 16 I live on the border of north Dakota and Minnesota. My parents divorced and both have 50% custody of me. My Mom would allow me to get one but my dad won't even consider it. Mom thinks that both parents need to agree to get me one, but my friends (who don't know as much as they act like they do on the subject ) say I only need one parent's consent. Would I be able to get one in north Dakota with only my mother's consent?
Is divorce the correct decision, because my husband abuses me verbally most of the time and doesn't respect me publicly, after 5 months of marriage?
Did this behavior start when you married, or did was he verbally abusive and disrespectful before you married but you overlooked his behavior?Also, how does his father treat his mother? Is it possible your husband grew up with a very poor role model on how a husband treats a wife and he’s simply replicating what he knows?In either case, the question of whether to divorce or to seek out couples counseling will depend on many factors that we, as outsiders, can’t evaluate. Your characterization of being verbally abusive “most of the time” is of concern because it indicates a lack of positive attitudes he could build on to improve his approach to the relationship.Can you talk to him about this at all? Does he appear to even notice there’s a problem?I would strongly recommend that you work to resolve this issue now rather than waiting for it to change on its own…because it won’t. The longer you stay in an abusive and disrespectful environment, then more likely your self-esteem will be seriously undermined. Sure there are adjustments to make when you marry, but abuse and public disrespect are not things to which you should need to adjust.If he’s amenable to counseling, then by all means the two of you go now. If he’s not, then divorce now is an option to seriously consider before you devote any more time to an increasingly toxic relationship.
How do I address my ex-spouse taking my tween kids’ cell phones, which I provided, for extended periods as the go-to punishment, and which punishment affects my 50% custodial time, without undermining [its] authority to discipline?
We’re a family of nerds - well, look at me; says so on my profile.We’re probably a bit more relaxed about letting our kids have screen time than many others. Thing is, I grew up pretty much my nose glued to thick, thick books about DOS and spent a lot of time with computers - as did my friends, and yet, everybody in my circle of friends from then seems to be quite well-adjusted adult - and many of us leveraged the skills we learned to jobs in ICT, maths or such.We’ve got three kids; at the time of writing, they’re 8, 5 and 3,5. Each of them have their own iDevice, as do we, so we know the platform and its possibilities and limitations quite well.Where we are strict is which apps and games we allow - we favor educational value and try to keep the apps age appropriate, and we also employ lock down apps that provide schedule and allow remote lock downs. Makes life simpler sometimes.Anyhow - we do employ a mix of rewards (could be new apps or games, or some real world reward) and punishments of mostly 1 day iPad bans, but sometimes also limit other screen time.So I know quite well where your spouse is coming from.And I mostly agree with her, and the other writers who have pointed out that you two ought to present unified front and same ground rules wouldn’t hurt one bit.I recommend you to have an open discussion about it with your ex - share your concerns and what problems you have about the situation, and think of and propose a solution that you could try, rather than just arguing that the current setup is bad.I do agree with you on that extended periods of phone bans probably aren’t a very good solution, for two reasons.First, kids these days tend to prosecute a Very Large Part of their social lives online, and that’s something that can be very hard for older folks like me to understand - and I have some concept of this, since I’m a nerd by profession. Long times without their mobile devices might actually hurt their real world relationships.Second - long (think several days) punishments aren’t as effective as shorter terms one, at least in my experience; that’s why we mostly use those “the rest of the day” or “the rest of the day and tomorrow” bans - because for kids, it’s a long time already, and because it tends to work better than several days.…and it’s also handy as a threat. “Get into bed and stay there or I’ll lock your iPad for tomorrow” with my mobile in my hand and the lock-down app open is usually quite effective.