When I Look At Myself I Get Depressed And Dont Want To Do Anything. How Do I Live My Life If I Dont

I'm so depressed I don't want to do anything?

I'm 15 and lately i've been so depressed. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. It takes all my will power to get up, take a shower, go to school. I feel so alone. I have friends, and I know they love me but i don't know, i still feel alone. I don't even have a really bad life, but i can't shake the sense of hopelessness or self-loathing. I don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday I caught myself staring at a kitchen knife, and imagining stabbing myself with it. I'm scared. I don't want to scare my mom though, I've told her that I want to sleep all the time and she said that I was probably depressed and taht was that. The thing I don't get was just a few weeks ago I was so happy, I was looking into like a bunch of different careers, and really excited about school, and seeing my friends, and I painted my room. And now I just don't want to live anymore, even though just a few weeks ago I knew how my life was going to be planned out.
I don't know what's happening to me, I hate feeling like I'm in a deep dark hole. Please help me. I'm scared. What should I do?

I'm not depressed, I just don't want to live anymore?

I know it's hard to convince people that I'm not depressed when I say I don't want to live anymore but it is true. The only thing that keeps me around is I feel like I'm going to miss something, I'm scared of the process of dying, and I don't want to hurt my family. If it weren't for these 3 factors I would have offed myself by now.

I don't mean it to be morbid like there is something inherently wrong with my life. I'm just tired of life. It's the same thing every single day. Eat, work, sleep, with an occasional day off to do something that isn't even exciting. I'm not one for routine and I feel like life just drones on. I'm so passed all of these distractions that are supposed to pass off as "living life". Sometimes I wish I was like everyone around me that are just so easily distracted. I feel like I've pondered on this for so long now that I've seen through all of it. Everything is just a distraction to reality.

Most people go to school to get a career so they can raise a family. This is what it seems like life has taught me. I don't want this life. But without that life I don't see any other point. To aimlessly do a little here and there and then what? I always get advice to "Just have fun!" but they aren't seeing what I'm seeing. Nothing is fun anymore to me anymore. The only thing I really like is listening to music, but, what, am I just supposed to just sit around on this planet and listen to music for the next 50 years?The thought just scares me and death scares me.