Why Does Asking For Help Make Me Feel Ill

Whenever I ask for help, I feel guilty, like I'm taking advantage of someone. Is this a bad thing? What can I do about it?

I never liked surprised birthdays for me, to be honest, I didn't like my birthdays at all.my mother kept telling me that it's not normal, but it seemed normal to me.as it went on I realized it was not just birthdays I don't like presents too same went with compliments, seemed that my mom was right it was not normal! I was afraid to be loved I was afraid to get help I didn't want anyone to do anything for me even if I did the same for them. Maybe I didn't think I deserved the same! But why was it this way for me when others seemed to be totally ok with giving and receiving love!?The reason was simple, I was afraid to be a burden I felt guilty when people did something for me or helped me because I was scared I might not be able to pay them back, I don't know maybe I was afraid they might get tired of spending time and energy for me!or maybe I didn't feel worthy enough to receive them. Or probably as I always have been independent, I was not used to being helped by others and always reaching for another way to figure things out myself, it's better not to owe anyone right??WRONG!I was mistaken.I realized this when I opened the doors And let the people in.I undrestood people were waiting to help me and love me because we are made to make life easier for each other.finally started to enjoy my birthdays as much as I enjoyed others, and more importantly started to get help when I needed to because I deserve to be helped and loved just as others need and want to.you are not a burden. you are a part of this community.there are people who love you and are waiting to help you if they can, don't be afraid to ask if you need help because you deserve to be helped and loved just like everyone else.Being strong and independent is awsome but it has nothing to do with asking for help!Good luck with the birthdays! ;)

Why do some people like making others feel bad about themselves?

Those are people with either a very low sense of self-esteem or a very high one.  Narcissists are very good at making others feel bad about themselves because it's how they control them.  They believe that they are the absolute best at everything and have to prove it constantly.  They need to keep people in thrall to them to feed their egos, and instilling doubt and pain is a very effective way of doing that.  And people who feel bad about themselves like the company.  I have a friend who I mostly love, but for whom this is a very bad habit. She has low self-esteem for a number of reasons, and so she talks about others behind their backs and will do her best to do injury to them when she can.  She feels remorse afterwards, but that doesn't stop her.  Narcissists and sociopaths don't feel remorse.Fortunately, they are not the majority.  I think most of us from time to time will add a little extra salt to the wound in someone we dislike, but we generally feel enough empathy for one another not to do that.

Why are some people afraid to ask for help?

The teacher pointed at me and called my name,“Hector!”I slowly raised my eyes to look at her.“Ohh no,” I thought.“Who? Me?”“Yes, you!” she repeated. “Solve this problem on the chalkboard.”I walked slowly to the front of the room, all eyes were on me. “Solve it!” she demanded handing over the piece of chalk.I stared at the problem and started feeling nervous.“This will be humiliating,” I thought to myself.I struggled with the problem and couldn’t solve it. “Can I ask you a question?” I said to the teacher.“No, solve the problem!”“How can I solve the problem if I can’t even ask a question,” I said.“If you can’t solve it, go back to your seat,” she said in a sarcastic tone.She immediately changed her mood and said, “Mike, come on over! Show Hector how to do it!”All my classmates kept staring at me while Mike our classroom superstar jumped to the chalkboard to solve the problem.Experiences like these impressed wrong lessons on me: ‘I’m expected to know everything or suffer failure and humiliation.’So I learned a few tricks — I became a master at the game of pretending to “have it all together.”I would constantly do my best covering-up and “looking smart,” all to protect my already damaged emotions.It took me years to understand that it’s okay if I don’t know all the answers. Trying to “look smart” became painful.It took me years to fight my insecurities and realize it was okay to ask for help.So, to answer your question, why are some people afraid to ask questions?I think it comes from the bully educational system… I remember how scary it would be to ask questions, feeling insecure or that I would be bullied.I became afraid to ask questions mostly because of fear, pride or self-defense.

How do I ask for help without sounding dumb?

I don't think you should feel dumb, of course.  But honestly, one of the smartest things you can do it ask.  On my team, it is critical that we each know that it's alright not to know.  I model it for the folks that work for me.  Even when I could easily fake it and have people think I fully understand something, and even when it doesn't matter a lot if I don't understand, I admit my ignorance or confusion.  This is essential, because:I learn about what I didn't understand.Others feel that they are valuable to me.People learn that it's OK to not know and to ask.People start turning to each other's strengths without fear of being ostracized.People who are asked feel valuable and appreciated.People who ask feel supported.People who ask learn new skills.This whole ego thing where folks are afraid of appearing stupid or ignorant does more damage than almost anything else in software engineering.  It creates lone wolves who create inferior code.Be brave.  Admit your weaknesses and turn to others for their strengths.  Create an environment where it's safe to collaborate.As a manager, I hate it when people pretend they know stuff they don't.   Don't be that guy.