I hope this is not a troll question - despite the strong words, it’s something a lot of us face, very dysfunctional parents.Parents are just people. They don’t have any special attributes except that they were able to conceive a child, something that any adult knows is, in the long run, kind of hard NOT to do sooner or later. So there they are, flawed people who happen to be your parents.I faced this in my own life. The best way to be able to come to peace with this is to come to peace with yourself, realize your own fallibility and humility, and come to see your parents as people - not the usual (and natural, or typical) almost mythological status we give to our parents. They naturally were our caregivers and our models, and they are our blood (or we are theirs), and I know, in my case, I wanted them to be better people than they were once I got old enough to really see their shortcomings in an adult light. I felt cheated, like they had failed me.Ultimately the healthy attitude, for you, is to know these are people, regular people, with (to you) severe problems and you nonetheless love them. So you love your Mom or Dad simply because you do, and you give them that respect or attention, and have nothing to do with what they do as human beings apart from their relationship with you. It’s not easy getting over that disappointment, and I think, it matters more to us that they might be “a whore and an alcoholic” because we truly care about them. Think about it, some random couple you really wouldn’t care anywhere near as much about those things.It kinda sucks, but it’s also reality of life. I’ve found a word that fits for me, for these kind of things - regrettable. Something you have to accept, even though you don’t want to, and is kinda sad that it’s true. So if you can get to a good place of realizing that you stand on your own as an adult, a real legitimate person, it becomes more like “I love my parents. It’s really regrettable that they’re the way they are, but I can’t change that.”. Then you can have a relationship with them within healthy boundaries that’s not charged with the mythologizing of your parents.
Would you marry an alcoholic? Would you stay married to one?
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years and then I divorced him. It was a hard road and even with AA when he wasn't drinking he was still on a dry drunk because he still wanted it. The emotional abuse and physical abuse was just terrible and I was trying to raise 4 children around all that! He would go out after work with friends and I wouldn't see him untill early hours of the morning and he cheated on me to.When my stress level got to the point that it was making me physically sick I knew that it was time to go. One day I got up and looked around me and at my life and said to myself this is as good as it's ever going to get. I left him standing at the door crying and I could tell that he knew I wasn't coming back. Three weeks later he found a new woman that bought him a bar and.........2years later I remarried. I am so glad that those days are over but out of that came 4 great kids. I was as addicted to him and the relationship as he was to the drink and alanon helped me a great deal. You can only do so much for someone that doesn't want to help themself and although many alcoholics find the way to change their lives(and some do) mine choose not to. That was when I had all I could ever tolerate and knew I was done. Best wishes take care.
Would you get married to an Alcoholic?
Just to ask,are you a Muslim or Christian? No offense intended at all but if you are a Muslim you should know that drinking is haram, a major sin and you are saying that he drinks and even gets wasted-not that it makes any difference- and you still want to marry him?!! Let me give you a simple example of a friend of mine who's a smoke addict not an alcoholic which far more serious,i swear one time i snatched a cigarette and threatened him that i'll tear it and i found him stumbling on his knees and begging me to give it to him and he was like so serious, "i beg you don't throw it away" he said that,how pathetic!! Just so you know if you take this step you will regret it later,once a slave to the booze always a slave to the booze. "I am Muslim, but I don't represent Muslims" Not sure what that means? Plus what is there to judge? You are saying that he's a drinker and he gets wasted, do i need anything more to tell me about the guy's personality? Like for instance would i go after a girl who had laid with others before,smoked weed,drinks the whole time and dresses inappropriately just because she has a "good personality"? Well can you share some of his qualities then? Listen,here is the deal, i have a relative who's a junkie okay we try to help him in any means we can,we sent him to a rehab,my aunt is dedicated full time to keep an eye on him because he's an orphan and the family pays for his expenses but still he keeps going back in this endless vicious circle and he's sometimes violent and talks to our aunt in an abusive manner and keeps blaming us for his mistakes!! We are trying to help him but that doesn't mean that if i had a daughter i would allow her to marry him because i wouldn't feel safe and an advice don't marry a guy out of sympathy and by the way about the suicide bombers they are sinners and they know that suicide and harming innocents are MAJOR sins in Islam just like drinking is, so if you don't do major sins then you are pretty much a good Muslim and by the way there is a Quran verse that says "Al tayeboon lel tayebaat wal 5abeethon lel 5abeethat" think about that rationally and don't just do something you may regret afterwards.
Being married to an alcoholic is an unprofitable exercise in power and control. One writer referred to alcoholism as a disease of under responsibility.The spouse of the alcoholic finds his/her job description including more and more of the responsibilities necessary for having a family and household. She/he starts to take over the adult role while the alcoholic is content to have only one area of family power- the power to be able to drink.The non alcoholic spouse spends considerable time and effort putting out fires resulting from the alcoholic’s behaviors. She/he becomes extremely resentful. Married life is lurching from crisis to crisis in a landscape of broken promises and broken dreams. And always, the litanies of “I will change, I promise you”; “one more chance- it won’t happen again”; “married to a bitch/bastard like you would make anyone want to drink”, Etc., etc., etc.Some spouses of the alcoholic start attending Al-Anon- a support group for those in an alcoholic relationship.Some couples become addicted to the cycle of break-up, then make-up and then starting the cycle again. You get a chance to live your own soap-opera; happy ending not guaranteed.And maybe the alcoholic finally gets it and gets help. De-tox, rehab, AA- recovery becomes the priority for the alcoholic. The spouse is overjoyed but then taps into all the repressed anger, disappointment and rage that has built up over the years. Some wish the alcoholic would go out drinking again.An interesting statistic-an alcoholic marriage has a glue and dynamic that holds it together. In Al-Anon they say that the spouse of the alcoholic becomes more screwed up than the alcoholic. When the alcoholic becomes sober the couples’s relationship patterns, formed over the years, has to change and many times isn’t able to cope with and adjust to the new world of the spouse’s recovery. After waiting all those years for the alcoholic to sober up, when he/she does, ironically, its the sobriety that ends the marriage.What is it like married to be married to alcoholic? Every unhappy family is unhappy its own way… every unhappy alcoholic family knows the many ways of unhappiness.To set the record straight, my remarks are based upon observation and study. I was never married to an alcoholic, my ex-wife was.
I find it telling that the question is phrased as “Was your father an alcoholic.” Perhaps only looking back can we really come to grips with some aspects of childhood that influenced so much of our adult lives.My father was what they called a “high functioning” alcoholic. He was an engineer for a major telecommunications company. He was very bright, very funny, and drank from morning until he fell asleep after dinner each evening.As a small child I did not know that this wasn’t the way all fathers behaved. He was never abusive, seldom angry about anything, and was a good provider. On Sundays he would take my sister and me to church, drop us off, and then go to a local bar for his version of Sunday Mass. The bar was not supposed to be open, but the back door was…and the congregation on a Sunday morning consisted of about ten hard-core alcoholics like my father. He would be waiting outside our church when the service was over, and the smell of bourbon and beer always reminds me of the ride home from church.At some point, probably when I was nine or ten, I realized that other fathers didn’t drink like mine did. I stopped inviting friends over. I didn’t want them to see my father snoring on the couch in the middle of the day when everyone else was outside enjoying the weekend. I made excuses for why we couldn’t play at my house. He didn’t come to school assemblies, plays, or concerts. That was my mother’s job. But, he did attend my induction into the National Honor Society when I was in high school. It was in the middle of the work day for him, and I didn’t think he would show up, but there he was, in the audience with my mother. We students were seated on the stage waiting for the ceremony to begin when I heard two boys behind me snickering. “Hey, there’s the old guy with the flask in the boys room! What a loser!” I had been so excited to see him there, but in one instant I wished he had never come. I knew exactly who they were talking about.My father died at age 59. Esophageal cancer. I was devastated. He was, despite the booze, one of the most intelligent and well-read men I have ever known. I learned later that he suffered from chronic depression, and supposedly “self medicated” with booze. Ironic, since alcohol is itself a depressant. My mother was the classic enabler. My childhood was not horrible, just flawed. It took me a long time to understand why, when I married the first time, I chose an alcoholic.
My fiance is an alcoholic...should I marry him?
I've been where you are now and I married the guy anyway. We were fine for awhile, but his drinking became worse and he became very unpredictable. He was a completely different person when he was drinking. I hadn't realized how boring it is when everybody around you is drunk. What he really needed was someone who could match him drink for drink and build a life around the bars in the area and didn't need a home life. Unfortunately I brought children into this marriage and when the children were old enough to realize their dad had a problem I needed to figure out how to explain it to them. I had to let them know it was a problem and it was NOT okay. In order to have a somewhat normal life for me and my children, we were divorced when they were young. He straightened up his act a little and married his drinking partner. He never completely got on the wagon so I can't imagine what his liver looks like! After the divorce the children were happier. Their dad had specific times he could see them and he had to be sober or he couldn't see them. He did see them frequently and could control his drinking when he wanted to. Everybody is grown up now (except my ex-husband). I never put down their dad and let them make their own decisions. (I just asked them not to judge him too harshly because that was just his way.) He still loved the children but was unable to be a proper father to them because of his drinking. Frankly, I don't miss cleaning up after him. My advice is "Don't Do It". You will always come second to the drinking.
Women are You Married to Alcoholic Men.?
Not any more! I stayed for 5 years because we have a son together. My son was one of those that was "daddy's boy." I felt that if I left and took my son with me (because there was no way I was going to leave and NOT take him with me) that it would just tear my son's world apart. But, the drinking and fighting finally got so bad, that I was seriously afraid that someone would end up getting hurt. My ex-husband would never admit (and still doesn't admit) that he has a drinking problem. He would always tell me that he could stop drinking on his own whenever he wanted (he couldn't and never did), and that if he couldn't, he would get professional help, which he never did. He was and still is verbally abusive. So, after 5 years, with no money, and no job, I took my son and left. Fortunately, I was able to stay with my mom until I got on my feet. That was 8 years ago, and I have never regretted leaving for a single minute. Five and one-half years ago I met an awesome man, and four years ago we were married. He doesn't drink, he treats me like a queen, and treats my son as if he were his own son. My son now has a great step-dad who spends more quality time with him and does more things with him than his biological dad.
My dad is addicted to opiates and alcohol and his marriage is suffering as result, What should I do?
I'm a recovering alcoholic of 19+ yrs. thru AA. I lived the live of an alcoholic for yrs. & it was a sad hurtful life to myself & my family. I have 3 adult children who I also hurt badly w/my drinking. I left my children when the oldest was 20, the next 19, the last was 13. I was so filled w/guilt for what I'd done to them over the yrs. of fighting w/their alcoholic father. They worried about us constantly. After I left home, I realized what I'd done. I no longer loved my husband, so we got divorced. I then met up w/another alcoholic. We both went to AA. I got sober, he bounced in & out of the program & was in numerous detoxes. We were married for a few yrs. but he cheated on me, left me numerous times & I finally got the courage to tell him NO more. I told him not to come home again. I then had another "slip" & of course met another alcoholic. We've been together for 20 yrs., I quit drinking 19+ yrs. ago, he still drinks. My daughter wrote me a letter that got to my guilt for good. Said she was NOT going to call me anymore after a certain time as she knew I was drunk & it hurt her. I tho't about all I learned in AA & Alanon. I made up my mind to get sober & stay sober. I would advise you to talk to your dad when he's not drinking. Tell him how much you love him but how much it hurts you all to see him drunk. Go to some Alanon mts yourself. Call the 800# for Alcohol & find the closest Alanon mtg. to you. Go to a few mtgs. & let those fantastic people help you. You will NOT regret it. Try to talk to your dad & appeal to him how he's hurting himself & your family. It is an addictive, progressive, killer disease. It hurts so many families in more ways than one. It will NOT get better, unfortunately it just keeps getting worse. But IF you do want to get sober, you CAN. You can even offer to go to some AA mtgs. w/him. See if he'd go w/you...keep on him as alcoholics are filled w/guilt & just hopefully you'll get thru to him one time. Let the whole family talk to him too, make sure you ALL tell him you love him & don't want anything to happen to him. I have said so MANY times, AA saved my life, Alanon saved my sanity. These programs DO work, try your best to just have him go to an AA mtg. w/you...I DO wish you the best....:)
Would you marry some one who has kids or not and why?
Based on what I know now after almost 7 years-----------------Nooooooo!!!! There are those very rare occasions that it will work out, but for the most part, no matter what the age of the kids it is only disaster. If the kids are underage, there is the x to deal with. And no matter how much they say they love you when it comes to the kids, they and the x are coming before you. And then heaven help us if the kids are grown. In most cases they are jealous and will do everything in their power to cause problems, even sometimes to the point of trying to get mom and dad back together. Then they will use the grand kids as a means of mom and dad having to see each other. Not to mention all the disrespect you get from them. And of course Dad takes their side over yours because you are not being fare and it ends up in a big fight between the two of you (just like the kids wanted) Maybe I sound cruel, but I know this from my own personal experience. In the beginning I bent over backwards to try to make my step kids part of the family and have been cussed out, threatened and all kinds of things. All because of jealousy. I would think very long and hard if I were you. But to keep you from a lifetime of hell just say no and be done with it. It is easier to get out before you get married than after those vows are said.