How do I forgive my mother for hurting me repeatedly, when she doesn't think it was wrong? I broke off contact, but I crave a relationship with her.
This question is very timely for me right now.Two days ago, I spoke with my mother on the phone after almost three years of no contact.She was physically abusive during my childhood and mentally and emotionally abusive throughout my adult years.There’s an example in Kittie Eubank's answer to What's the worst thing your parent has ever said to you?In 2013 I decided enough was enough, and I cut her off.There is no room in this life I have created for someone who only sows negativity and hurt.She tried to contact me a few times over the years and I blocked her. That didn’t stop her from showing up in my dreams, though.I knew that being estranged from me was very painful for her. She doesn’t understand it at all; she thought we were close.Even though before I cut off contact I tried several times to talk to her about specific instances of abuse, she never could see that she did anything wrong.It was always my fault - I was being selfish. I took it wrong. She did it for my own good.So why did I call her two days ago?She texted me, about a week before that. She said she was sorry for everything she ever did to hurt me.There was no guilt-tripping or finger-pointing. Just an apology and a request to reestablish a relationship.After much thought and seeking counsel from people I trust, I decided to reach out and give her another chance.I have firm boundaries in place, and if she crosses them I am prepared to break off contact permanently.But if she is in a place now where she can be a part of my life, I will accept that.It will never be the same. I don’t think I can ever trust her. I don’t look forward to speaking to her again. She will never understand the harm she did.I called her for her, not for me. But that’s okay.So for you, OP, I would say….You can forgive your mother by letting go of the active resentment for what she did to you.Holding onto unforgiveness only hurts you - it doesn’t affect her at all.However, even after you have forgiven, you must be careful to guard your heart. Don’t let her into your life if she brings more negative than positive.It is hard. We want to have mothers who love and support us. Sometimes, though, they are incapable of doing that.Surround yourself with people who bring you joy, who lift you up and love you.Forgive your mother because it will release that tight ball of resentment writhing in your gut - you don’t need that.
What should I do about my mother? She has no regard for my feelings. Sometimes I want to just give up on her.?
Hi, I am in your same situation. I feel exactly like you do. Some people dont understand that a mother's behavior can be deeply hurtful even if she doesnt hit you or sexually abuse you. Sometimes I feel I have no right to feel anger towards her, yet feelings are feelings, we shouldnt feel guilty about it. Your mom is sending you the message that she doesnt care about you. I think that your mom is suffering for some reason (not having the support of a spouse, lack of friends, whatever reason) and she doesnt have the ability to provide you with the relationship that you need from her. Maybe trying to build friendships with others will help you supply that care that you would like from your mom. You may not be able to have a close relationship with your mother (if she never changes) but you may be able to heal by filling the emotinal emptiness that your mom has left and someday accept her just the way she is, with her flaws and positives.
Should I give up co-parenting with toxic mother? & wait until my son gets older to reach out to him..?
My son is 4 years old. 5 in September. Co parenting with his Mom who I strongly believe is a narrcisus has gotten completely out of hand. Her family is a little more wealthier than mines, I don't have the greatest career but I have been their for my son with what I have since he's been born, he's beyond spoiled and have always spent time with him. Recently she has been complaining about money, which I have given her in the past but recently found out and noticed she was lying about what she needed the money for and basically coning me out of money, I've also witnessed her doing it when we were together which is why it was one of the many reasons we split. So I told her if he needs anything I will buy it myself, she just has to let me know what it is he needs. Because I didn't trust her with the money she was asking for, shortly after she threatened me that I won't see him. & even went as far as saying her words literally "I'm done with you, if you want to see him, you need to pay me period." I've been in my son's like more than often since he was born. I've moved on, and have a new home and gf I've been with for 2 yrs who my son also has met. So she is hurt about it as well. My life good but the negativity with my son's mom is beginning to be so much on me and I don't want it to effect my life and girlfriend. Don't want to go through the courts. It's just more drama that we don't need. Should I wait, and reach out to my son Later? When he's old enough to think independently?
My mom requires me to pay back for taking care of me for my entire life. Should I pay everything back to her?
Not only no, but hell no. She should be ashamed of even asking you.It was her choice to have a child. If she didn’t want a child, she had a choice to protect herself from getting pregnant.She has no right to ask for any type of reimbursement, for her having a child, especially from the child she raised.Shame on her, for her audacity, to even ask this of a child.How about asking her for your inheritance. That should slap her in the face. This is outrageous behavior, for a grown woman. Takes a lot of balls to ask you for money, to raid you. Tell her to get it from your dad. I bet he isn’t even in this equation. I’m I right? I know. Forget it. And that’s what you need to do. Move on. You don’t need this woman in your life. She’s cruel and evil.Good luck. I hope things will work out for you. I’m very supportive of you, for having the courage to ask for our opinions, in this regard.I love my kids. I would never ask them, such a thing. It seems so outrageous, to me, in light of the fact I lost a child in a drowning accident, 36 years ago, the 27th of November. My mother-in-law blamed me, because I was on a trip. I was a flight attendant. I could not be working and home, at the same time. But it was my fault. This sounds like your mother.Id tell her to go to hell, before I’d give her a dime.The best of everything.Chris
How do I tell my dad that he has to respect my mother?
In the long run their isn’t much you can do. I have a father that has been treating my mother poorly all their married life. I have at one point told him I thought he was too hard on her. Mostly I have tried to support my mother in knowing that I don’t approve, that I think she deserves to be treated kinder and with more respect. I have had many talks with her, on the fact that what they do is not healthy. The truth is, we teach other how to treat us. If my mother won’t demand more respect, or change how she reacts, then my father has no reason to change either. It is their marriage, and they are adults and have the right to their choices. In my case, I am the daughter, so the best I have achieved, is my father knows he can’t treat me that way, and he doesn’t. Which creates a lot of distance between us. You have every right to tell your father you do not approve of the way he treats your mother, but then you have to let it go to the best of your ability. Your disapproval may have meaningful consequences. You should at least try, but do it with respect, they are your parents. I know at one point, some people in my parents community also let my father know of their disapproval. It helped bring a bit more balance to the marriage, also my father has mellowed some with age. Still it has saddened me all my life. The best I have done, is taken that knowledge and made myself a better partner for my husband, a better mother for my children, and a much kinder person in the world. Grow up in that environment has made me a very empathetic person. No matter how mad I get, I never insult someone. No matter how crappy I feel, I own my feelings. And most of all, no matter how small the gesture, if someone has done something to make my life a little easier, I say thank you!
My father passed away recently. How do I cope up with this loss?
First of all I am sorry for your loss and I'll pray that his soul rest in peace.This is something that I can relate to because I lost my mother to cancer when I was 10 years old. I am not too sure how old are you but assuming you are in your late teens or early twenties these are the things that you can do to cope up with your father's death.Accept the fact - It's hard to do and will take some time but this should be the first thing that you must do right now. You really cannot do anything to bring him back and no one can fill the hole that is there now in your life. But if you start accepting this fact that he is no more, it will give you much needed strength to cope with this.Remember him everyday when you wake up in the morning - Do this without any fail. Pray to the Almighty that wherever he is, he is at peace. Seek for his blessings though he already would be doing that for you.Cry out loud - DO NOT resist your emotions. You can cry whenever you feel like and wherever you feel like. You don't have to worry about the fact that people would judge you. Let them. Even at times if you would want to scream, do that. But then remember that you do that when your immediate family is not around. You might be the one in your family to give them moral support. But that doesn't meant that you resist your own emotions. Let them out.Follow in his footsteps - There would be many things that would have inspired you all your life when you saw your dad do it. Now follow in his footsteps and try to become like him or better than him. Keep him alive in your heart by doing this.Support your mother, your siblings - Your mother is broke way more than you are. Support her all the time. Your siblings are broke too, be their guide, mentor, everything that you can do to make them comfortable. Do not yell at them for sometime now even if they are doing something stupid.Take responsibility - Be more responsible now. You might have to do things now which your father used to do. Talk to people around you who knew your dad and learn from the stories they tell you about him.Meditate - This might sound out of the league but trust me, this will help you become stronger emotionally. This might take time but there is no harm with doing this.Stay strong. He is definitely looking at you and your family from the other world. God bless you.
To HONOR a BAD father?
I think it is easy for some to come here and stand on their soapbox and say "Do it because it is in the Bible and God commands it." However, that does not solve the anger I read in your words. It is obvious your father has affected you for so long and you have held on to this anger for so long. The real question is: Why have you held on to this anger and How will YOU honor your father? Will your memories of him swallow you up into rage or continued anger or will you move on and let the memories give you peace? It sounds like your father has never been held accountable for his actions. A father is nurturing and there to teach their children right from wrong. Unfortunately, he has taught you what not to do as a father. As an adult, you might find peace and closure in talking with your father about his previous and present behaviours that affect you. However, you can not take on your brother's battle or your mother's battle or feelings that is for them to do. Speak only to what affects you. If you suspect your father "consistently steals money from the corporation" then call the police to investigate. If you have proof, even better. But you need to heal for your sake and your children's sake and your family's sake. Use statements such as "Dad, when you did this....(name the event that affected you) it made me feel this way...(name your emotion). Could you tell me what made you act that way dad?" Or make a statement such as, "Dad, it occurred to me that I've never heard you say sorry before and from that it felt like you didn't care about any of us and that really hurt." Let your dad answer. Do this with no anger and in a calm voice and see what happens. As an adult you have two choices - you can mend the relationship or weed it out of the garden and never talk or see him again. Either way, your child(ren) will be witnessing how you handle the situation (good or bad) and make their own judgements about it. But first and foremost, you need to heal.
Why did my mother chose her boyfriend over me?
I'm 24 now. I haven't spoke to my mother in six years. She chose her boyfriend over me. She don't even know her grandkids. My parents are not together anymore and my father keeps telling me its her lost. Just before I left she keep showing hate towards me because she thought I'd take her boyfriend. He's in prison now. I could go on and on about the problem. My brothers and sisters think I should give her another chance. After all these years and all that she done to me I just can't. I don't know what to do.
Can my father collect child support since im over 18?
Im Fixing to be a sophomore in college.I have lived with my father in TN in all my life. While my mother lives in GA since they divorced when i was 2. My father did not try to get child support when we were younger because he was afraid he would lose me and my older sister which is now a senior in college. And now he has raised us without any help from my mom. And I just found out that he took out some of his retirement ($30000) to help us go threw school and to support us since we both still live at home. My mother has no car payment and lives in a better than nice house and has everything. I have told her my dad's situation and everything and she doesn't care about anything. She thinks that I should work to go threw school. And blames my car purchase on me not being able to afford school. Is there anything that I could do or that my father could do to get the money that he deserves? He will not try to get anything from her. And I just want to help him