What is the best way to deal with a covert narcissist?
To make it “work” with a narcissist you’ll have to accept that you’ll be the only one that is ever emotionally invested in the relationship. You’ll have to accept a fundamental imbalance of love, care, compassion and empathy and that your needs will always come second to the narcissist’s needs and wants. You will live with an adult toddler and never expect them to “grow up” and take responsibility for their actions. They can’t and won’t. Ever.You’ll have to fully accept that you will never be truly loved by them only used and abused as their punching bag and for all and any other ways where they can exploit you greatly. You’ll have to accept that they feed off of you in every way like a vampire and when you’re completely drained and emptied out they’ll move on and replace you without a second thought.You’ll have to accept that if you ever stand up for yourself you’ll be punished. Silent treatments and /or rage. You’ll be horribly treated and if you still want to “make it work” you’ll have to take on all the blame for their abuse and even better if you apologize to THEM. So accept giving up on honoring what’s right for yourself completely.To make it work you’ll have to serve up your pride, self respect, any boundaries, self love including your very own soul and spirit on a platter, give it to them and say; “here’s my heart, mind, body and soul. Use it and destroy it as you wish. You can exploit me all you want as long as you want even if it kills me”.This is what’s at stake for YOU and you only if you despite knowing what they are you still want to make it work.
Should you feel sorry for a narcissist?
Thank you for your question.The reason that most people advise you not to pity a narcissist is because of their behaviour, which invariably is destructive towards others.We can feel compassion for childhood trauma, and we can demonstrate compassion by praying and being concerned without being in his sites.However we also demontrate compassion and concern for ourselves with self protection.Part of that self protection includes awareness that those child abuse stories may not be true. Or exaggerated. Or distorted.Many us, myself included, project feelings of childhood trauma on the narcissist as a comrade at arms; a fellow soldier; an aligned soul.The difference is that his or her trauma is often mentioned early in the relationship, whereas most trauma sufferers are very reserved in discussing these events. We keep our wounds to ourselves; he leverages them into pity.The difference is that we work to heal, while he works to stay stuck.The difference is that his wounds are always the topic, whereas our wounds, needs, and need for nurturing are never important. Ever.The difference is that we view the world as adults. He views the world as a perpetual child. And he stays that way.An abusive childhood is trauma. It is not an indictment. It does not define us. We are not perpetual victims of our past. We are not children anymore. Each and every one of us is free to make choices, every waking moment of our lives.When a person - any person - uses those choices to put themselves above everyone else, we ourselves can choose to love and care for them, but with detachment - for our own self protection.